Performance jokes
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys? He was playing by ear.
My aunt worked as a human cannonball.
I'm not sure if she was good at it until she got fired.
Why are heterosexual women jealous of gay men?
because gay men can perform fellatio on men better than they can.
What do you call a heterosexual man performing fellatio on another heterosexual man?
Bisexual.
What is the difference between a man performing anilingus on a woman and a man performing cunnilingus on a woman?
If a man is performing anilingus on a woman, it is not classified as heterosexual sodomy, you fucking idiot!!!!!
Two girls are at a play and are about to go on the stage.
Ally before the other girl goes on stage: Break a leg!
Rachel: Alright!
On stage, Rachel trips over a stand and breaks her leg.
Rachel calling backstage: I broke my leg!
Why did the dog join the marching band?
Because he had his trum-bone.
Whenever the hungry cannibal performs amputations, he says,
"Thank you for your donation!"
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I do a pretty good "Bohemian Rhapsody."
What do you call a musician 👩🎤 who drinks soda and sings 🎤 at the same time?
A popsinger.
What sound does a nut make when it comes alive?
Christmas!
Why do people always tell actors to break a leg?
Because every play has a cast.
Why did the moth nibble a hole in the carpet?
He wanted to see a floor show.
"I hear you asking, 'What's your favorite instrument?' The Trombone."
Why do musicians in New Orleans smell so good? Because they're jasmine (jazz men)!
My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.
I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.
I played piano at a Worthmore disabled elderly center. Then after I was done, I said, "How about you give me a standing ovation?"
I regret it to this day. Now I am forced to live here at Worthmore, and sit on my wheelchair, sad and lonely.
There was a news story the other day where a magician disappeared. He was like "At the count of 3 I will disappear aight...Uno, Dos," and he disappeared without a trace.
Most people say I'm a clown. Yet they don't laugh at my jokes. Most people avoid me because I'm a "clown". Yet I'm not the center of the circus. But I know I'm gonna be a clown forever. Because I can't take this damn mask off, no matter how hard I try.
Weeks later: Finally I found out why I'm being called a clown...because my smiling face is fake...
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..." *poof* ... He disappeared without a tres.