People jokes
What do gay people get for Christmas?
Discrimination.
Did the people of England see a "game over" sign in the sky when the queen died?
The more suicidal people there are, the less suicidal people there are... Woah!
I just saw people writing "Zoophile," "Ailurophile," and "Dendrophilia" in their bios. I thought this was cool, but when I wrote "Necrophile" and "Pedophile," I don't know why people started hating me as if I did something wrong. I was just trying to be cool like them, man.
What do you call people who jump into the Hoover Dam?
Dam fools.
A slag is like the first piece of bread in a loaf. Everyone touches it, but nobody wants it.
Two people are in a restaurant. Person #1 doesn’t order anything, and Person #2 orders a chili.
Person #1: “Aren’t you gonna eat your bowl of chili?”
Person #2: “No, you can have it.”
Person #1: “Ok, thanks...”
Person 1 starts eating his food only to find half of a dead rat! He vomits all of the food back into the bowl.
Person #2: “That’s about as far as I got too!”
People say I should be proud of my autism, but truth be told, I'm only in it for the help in class.
I'd love it if you killed yourself, but Hitler killed himself and people still hate him...
Why can’t orphans play baseball? They ain’t got no home to run to.
Why can’t England people play chess? They ain’t got no queen.
Are people from Hamburg called Hamburgers?
Yes, the Queen has died today. Can the people of the world please finally tell Harry to stop cross-dressing as her?
How can you tell Donald Trump is old and demented?
He can't distinguish between tanned people and cockroaches!
I sometimes want rampage, but what good would that do?
I look for a way out, but there's not even a light shining through.
The times where all is dark, are the times that I need a mark.
Though people say that nobody will care, the truth is: there's always one who's fair.
That person may not be the one you expect, but I am here with a passion to redirect.
Once there was a time where I tried to end it all, because I only looked on the dark side.
Truth was I wanted to be heard, to be respected, to let someone know.
But that was in the past and this isn't about my dark ride, it's time for others to know that only a few words, can extinguish a glow.
I was asking people who knew Trump if he would win a second term. Stormy said, "No way, he doesn't have two in him!"
What do you call 2 homeless people throwing rocks at each other? "Pillow Fight!"
I was sad, so I called the depression hotline. Turns out the depression hotline is where people roast you until you are depressed.
Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,
answer the phone with this:
"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"
or
"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"
Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.
You know, I got a SKELETON of these jokes. All are HUMERUS. Yeah, this gets under people’s SKIN, but I guess you could call their FUNNY BONE BROKEN! People try and hit me when this happens, luckily, I got THICK SKIN! Yeah, thanks for listening. Hope you got these puns down TO THE BONE!
I hate it when people are at my house and ask, "Do you have a bathroom?" What answer are they expecting? "No, we pee in the yard?"