People jokes
"Knife to meet you all!"
People generalize others too much.
What was going through the heads of people in Manhattan witnessing 9/11?
Tower 1...
I'm hertophobic.
It means I'm allergic to straights.
Why are people born in December, January, and February easy to get along with?
They're cool and chill.
People in Africa have earth, fire, air, but never water.
Why do Black people not like country music?
Because every time they hear "hoedown," they think their sister got shot.
Some people think jokes about child abuse are funny.
I'm not sure if I think that, but they do seem to hit different.
A phone is like parents. Not everyone has one.
Why is it so hard to find people defending suicide in any discussion?
Because they are really committed to their cause.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar...
"GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts, "We don't serve your type!"
Life is like a McDonald's meal; it only lasts 7 seconds for fat people.
Johnny: Why do cuss words exist?
Mom: That's not something you should think about right now. I'll tell you when you're older.
|| 20 YEARS LATER ||
Johnny: Mom, now can you tell me why cuss words exist?
Mom: Because some people invented them so that they could use them when something annoying happened to them.
Johnny: Damn, Mom, you shoulda told me that when I was still seven 'cause now I really feel like that person.
"Tibia" honestly, I think the reason I’m "bonely" is because you guys don’t find my jokes "humerus."
Maybe if I played the trombone it would get people’s attention, but "tibia" honest I can’t be bothered, so just look at my "BONE-zai" tree, although my brother doesn’t really like that one, so how about a "S-pine" tree?
I don’t know why people don’t say "Cobain," because I’m pretty sure Kurt Cobain didn’t miss his last shot like Kobe did.
Why are people from New York so bad at chess?
Because they quickly lose two towers (rooks).
"My wife is so crazy," said Beatem's McSmasher.
"Why?" asked his buddy Don Caretomarch.
"She's sitting on the front verandah packing my shit in boxes!"
"You getting kicked out, bro?"
"Yeah, all I did was break every plate in the house over her head. Some people have no sense of humor."
"Is she one of them woke bitches?"
Three Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them, and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand.
The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him.
The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy, so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied, "It didn't tickle at all. I laughed at the sight [of] the third guy was bringing over a pineapple."
What do you call a room full of disabled people with epilepsy?
A seizure salad.
Why did people take Stephen Hawking's to the hospital when we should have took him to Curry's PC World?