People jokes
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
Little Johnny likes to play with toy guns.
Little Johnny paints them black.
Little Johnny went to a gun store.
Little Johnny made a big mess.
The cemetery people were getting paid.
People joke about 9/11, but it's not funny. My dad died in 9/11. Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.
What’s the best thing about 28 year olds?
There’s 20 of them.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Covid.
Covid who?
The thing that killed half a billion people!
How many skinny people can fit in a tub? I don't know; they keep slipping down the drain.
People: You're ugly.
Me: Ok.
People: I hate you.
Me: Cool, IDC.
People: You're annoying.
Me: Good for me.
People: BTS is dumb.
Me: I'll give you 5 seconds to run!
Why can’t blind people sing [if] that can’t hear because they can see the lyrics?
Pickup line for gay people:
Roses are red, Antarctica is in the south, Get on your knees, And open your mouth.
Me when people ask how old my girlfriends are:
"There's 2, there're 4, there're 6, there're 8."
A mother and her 7 year old child are walking in the grocery store. The young boy then screams to a random woman “you're an ugly bitch.”
The mother grabs her son and says, “I’m so sorry, I must have told him a thousand of times to not judge people on how they look."
Why can’t English people play chess? They ain't got no queen.
I do not understand why people aren't scared of spiders. I mean, like they have 87447924872320984623879480327678987388025873289576348097923408370983728 legs and 23864867759578590893839420387424763478923748394783294327428748243264278 eyes.
I saw a spider in my room. YOU THINK I'M GONNA SLEEP IN THERE?????????
Nope. I'm moving to Japan.
KONNICHIWA
If you watch Jaws backwards, it's a heartwarming story about a shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Can people please shut up about "male privileges"? There is no right that men have that women don't.
Women have the right to genital integrity. Women can vote without having to sign up for the draft.
Women have the right to choose parenthood; men do not.
Women have the right to be assumed caregivers for children.
Women have the right to call unwanted, coerced sex rape.
Women have the right to lower jail sentences for the same crime.
Women have the right to not be assumed sexual predators.
Women have the right to government departments that solely serve their interests. They also have the luxury of "women only" events that men cannot even dream of. (They even took the boy scouts away from us.)
Women have the right to government-enforced gender quotas.
Women have the right to exclusive tax benefits for being a business owner.
Women have the right to domestic violence shelters.
Women have the right to not be assumed the primary aggressor in a domestic dispute.
Women have the right to rape a man or boy, and if she gets pregnant from that man/boy, they can sue him for child support.
So it is women who have more rights.
So shut up, feminists, please.
Bob: What is the percent of people who are depressed?
Me: If you're only counting me, 100%.
My sister looks like Santa Claus.
"You are so pretty?"
"No, too many people!"
How many people fit in a tree?
I don't know, you tell me.
I'm going to make a city just for people with special needs.
I'll call it Downtown.
Why do cemeteries have fences around them? People are dying to get in.