Own jokes

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

When I went to the basketball pitch, I saw a man dribbling his own balls.

*at school*

Nobody: Do you want nuts?

Me: Wait, you have some?

Nobody: Yeah, they're my own.

Me: :0

Let's say I was immortal. No matter what I did, I would be alive. But, the catch is I’m the least flexible and least strong person in the world.

Now, I get my head chopped off. What would I do? I would roll over to my headless body and figure out what it's like to suck my own dick.

What's the difference between three dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't own a Ferrari.

Oh, you just got owned, like my ancestors.

SOOOO my sister said her first bad word yesterday. "Shit." My mum was like, "What did you just say, child?"

Sister: "I said the cat shits inside like the dog shi- uh oh......"

Now I've avoided this stuff by making my own word: Sugarplum. Sugarplum = shit...

My sister made some pie, and it tasted horribly... so I said this.... "This pie is very sugarplum-y." She said, "What do you mean by that?" I said, "It tastes like sugarplums..."

My dad died, so I dug his grave. I was asked why I murdered him. I answered, "Guess we'll never know who did it because he dug his own grave." My father was William Afton.

Little Johnny is my son, and he got hit by a semi-truck owned by a Russian. Now I am on my way on a nuclear submarine with a Burger King Whopper to Moscow, then take revenge for little Johnny!

Today, my family visited Disneyland. When we got to the hall of fame, I was shocked to find a statue of the BielefeldMan.

The tour guide said, "That’s Lewandisney. He owns the biggest collection of Disney TAP-INS and is a Mickey Mouse clubhouse member." Well done Lewandisney!

Joe Biden doesn’t follow his own f**king mask mandate.

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.

Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

Nah, I'm Hawaiian but I'm also Japanese. So does that mean I bombed my own harbor?

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

I was walking with my black best friend, and he was meeting my parents, and after I got there, they said, "Who's this?" I said, "Well, I own him."

Me: Y’all should start calling me 1943.

Friend: Why?

Me: 'Cause I’m going through my own Great Depression.

If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.

What is an oven that you don’t own? Nacho oven.

You're so fat, you have your own gravitational pull.