Own jokes
Yo mama is so black that she has her own solar system.
You're more depressing than your own abortion video.
Chuck Norris doesn't need protein bars. He just eats his own shit.
What do you call an Iraqi who owns a camel and a goat?
Bisexual.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."
Q. What did the United Healthcare CEO say after he got shot? A. I don't know. I don't own a Ouija board.
ISIS recently brought out their own shampoo: HEAD AND SOLDIERS.
There was a boy who owned a dog, who was walking while wearing headphones.
Upon entering a park, he saw a sign that read, "DOGS MUST HAVE LEAD". He continued into the park, and became immersed in the music.
After leaving the park 20 minutes later and turning around for the first time in a while to remove the lead, the sight of his now-dead, freshly-poisoned dog reminded him of the importance of heteronyms.
Fat kids are so fat, they have their own gravitational pull.
My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."
My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Your mama is so nasty.
She showed up to Red Lobster with her own crabs.
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support Windows.
Why can’t you take a Black Asian guy golfing? Because he can’t drive and can’t find his own balls.
Why are Republicans supporting giving felons the right to vote?
Because their own personal jeebus is a felon!
Nah, I'm Hawaiian but I'm also Japanese. So does that mean I bombed my own harbor?
What did the tree do when the bank closed?
It started its own branch.
I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”
Rapboat has to drug his own drink to get laid.