Own jokes
Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer, but they only had 2 dollars each.
Christopher got an idea and ran away to the butcher to see if he could get something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.
"Are you crazy?!" said Tony to Christopher. "We don't have any money!"
"Take it easy now," said Christopher. "I have a plan."
When they finished drinking everything up, Christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth.
The bartender saw what they did and threw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub.
After the 10th pub, Tony said: "I can't do this anymore. I am drunk, and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk."
"How do you think I feel?" said Christopher, exhausted. "I dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub!"
What do you call an Iraqi who owns a camel and a goat?
Bisexual.
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support Windows.
Dude, if you're at the ATM, wouldn't that mean you're buying your own money?
Your forehead so big it's got its own gravitational pull.
Why do laws forbid hoes from owning stocks in condom makers?
Answer: Insider trading.
Just think, when we're getting fucked, we make our own food.
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.
How did Jesus become self-sovereign?
He screws himself and becomes his own creator.
Chuck Norris' dick is so big that it has its own dick. And his dick's dick is still bigger than Bruce Lee.
There was a boy who owned a dog, who was walking while wearing headphones.
Upon entering a park, he saw a sign that read, "DOGS MUST HAVE LEAD". He continued into the park, and became immersed in the music.
After leaving the park 20 minutes later and turning around for the first time in a while to remove the lead, the sight of his now-dead, freshly-poisoned dog reminded him of the importance of heteronyms.
When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.
Why did Spider-Man decide to buy a laptop?
So that he could design his own “website.”
A student got a bad letter grade, so the next day he came back with his own letter grade in his backpack: an A-K47.
Knock knock, who's there? God.
God who? NO, you idiot, there is no God. I am your father and you have locked me out of my own house!
What do gay guys and priests have in common?
They are both gay in their own ways.
Children are like farts.
You can only tolerate your own.
A kid named Billy gets his lunch money stolen at school. The bully later gets his allowance, the lunch money, and his wallet taken by his father.
The father then gets all the money taken from him by the bully’s grandfather along with his own wallet. The grandfather then takes the money and gets it stolen by Billy along with his own wallet.
Normal people: I'm my own nationality.
Michael Jackson: Click here to change nationality.