One jokes

My favorite bartender serves drinks so strong, he gives a "get well soon" card with each one of them!

I'm in a wheelchair, right, so I've tried everything but one stand up.

It didn't work.

I beat up a blind kid, but he says he's the strongest. He never saw that one!

What's worse than a failed suicide, you ask?

I fail suicide because you forgot to do the dishes and your parents come after you and they're the ones to kill you, not yourself.

I was drinking a martini when a waitress yelled, "Do you know CPR?"

I replied, "I know the entire alphabet!" We all laughed and laughed, well, except one person.

Luisa: The ship doesn't swerve, as it heard how big the iceberg is.

Captain of the Titanic: Wait, what did you say?

3 minutes later:

Why didn't I listen to the strong one?

What's one advantage of being an orphan?

Nobody can make mama jokes about you. 🌚

If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?

An American.

This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"

I know this isn't about glue, but here's one:

Cardi B had a sister who was obsessed with fitness. Her name? Cardi O.

Jesus was the one who created the T pose, not Fortnite.

I bet when 2 cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one says, "You're such a cheetah!" Then they laugh and go and eat a zebra or whatever.

What has only one sense of style?

An emo girl.

What did one candle say to the other?

"Want to go out tonight?"

What's the difference between an orphan and a corpse?

One of them has someone to mourn them.

Two magicians were in a competition. The first one did magic, and the second started counting down, "3, 2," but before he said the last number, he 1.

So I had an idea: you and a friend go bar (pub (whatever you call it)) hopping and propose to said friend in each one so everyone buys you free drinks and you get drunk and have a great time.

An orphan died. No one cared, why? Who is supposed to spread the word? His parents.

My dad told me a new version of a happy birthday song:

Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too!

No offense to anyone reading this on their birthday.

They say Disneyland is the happiest place on earth. Well, apparently, no one has ever been standing next to you.