My son is starting to ask questions about where he came from.
He was conceived ten years ago when I was working for the AISH office. I was walking to my car after a shift when I was gang-raped by three guys.
Statistically any one of them could be his father.
I'm really worried about traumatizing him if I tell him how he was conceived.
How am I supposed to tell him I used to be an AISH worker?
So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.
There are a lot of upsides to being an orphan.
For one, you never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.
Katy Perry can't sing, can't dance, doesn't write music, is unbelievably ugly, and is unable to decipher maths or science. Really though, I didn't realize going down on a record executive would later lead her to be one of the people able to go to space.
"Can we at least give them one credit—for abiding the traffic laws?"
Q: What's the difference between Danielle Smith and a flying piece of shit? A: One letter.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
My wife told me to stop being an idiot.
I told her, "Which one do you want?"
Why do black people only have nightmares?
Because we shot the last one that had a dream.
Why do black people only have nightmares?
Because the last one to have a dream got shot. (Martin Luther King joke)
Why'd Billy get fired from the banana factory?
He kept throwing with the bent one.
What did the Buddhist say to the pizza delivery boy?
"Make me one with everything."
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this one's gonna blow!
This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"
So I did...
I don't remember much after that.
Why don’t orphans play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
You know what's crazy? Is that the low taper fade, like, meme, is still MASSIVE. Still MASSIVE. Like, I'm still seeing like, new ones, that I've never seen before, and they're getting millions of likes and millions of views.
Why can’t kids at an orphanage play hide and seek?
Because no one’s looking for them.
Two priests are pulled over by the police. One priest asks the cop what the reason for pulling them over is. The cop says, "We are looking for two child molesters." The priest look at each other and tell the cop they'll do it.
When Mother Teresa went to heaven, she was greeted by Saint Peter with a halo for her dedication to the needy. After walking around for a while, she saw Lady Diana with a bigger halo. She got angry at Lady Diana and went to Saint Peter and asked him why she had a bigger one, and Saint Peter said, "Oh, that’s not a halo, that’s a steering wheel."
Little Sally comes home from school one day and says to her mom, "Mommy, mommy, you won’t believe it! Little Johnny just pulled out his PP in class." The mother responded, "Well, what did it look like?" Sally said, "It looks like a peanut." The mother said, "Oh, it was small." "No, it was salty," said Sally.
