What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? Snap-on tools.
1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.
3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”
4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.
6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.
7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.
8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.
9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.
11. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).
12. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
13. Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
14. Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.
15. Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.
16. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.
17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.
Twin monks who ring the church bells died.
Now they are dead ringers. :)
Why did the orphan become a stripper?
So she could have someone to call daddy.
Why don't pirates take a bath before walking the plank?
'Cause they just wash up onshore.
A skeleton decided to become an assassin.
He was always skull-king around!
My newly wed wife is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.
The best part about being a medical student is, you will never run out of jokes.
If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.
"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.
He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."
What's white, yellow and goes 40 mph?
A train driver's egg sandwich.
Why are astronauts forgetful?
They're always spacing out.
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
My gardener found a dead body. Of the old gardener!
What's a spider-man’s dream job? Web developer.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
Why can’t a blind person be a teacher? Because they can’t control their pupils.
Bob the builder took one look at you and said, "Nah, I can’t fix that!"
Why did the man cut down the tree? Because it was there. 👨🪚🌲
Why didn't the man cut down the tree? Because it wasn't there. 😕🪚!?️
Why did the tree cut down the man? Because it was a bad tree. 🌲🪚😮
What do you call a cleaning skeleton?
The Grim Sweeper.
