Not jokes

I got fired for not doing enough work.

Guess I didn’t put enough backbone into it.

Emo: Phone die.

Emo: Why not me? ;(

Why did Stephan Hawking not turn up to the meeting?

His internet connection ran out.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not your dad.

What do you call a person with no arms and legs?

You can call him whatever you want; he's not coming.

Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.

It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.

I was bullying Stephen Hawking. I told him, "Why not stand up for yourself?"

Kid on Xbox: I'm not a virgin. Ask your sister.

Bully on Xbox: I don't have a sister, dumbass.

Kid on Xbox: You will in 9 months.

People shouldn't worry about how orphans would feel reading these jokes. It's not like they have parents to buy them a phone or computer to see them, or even a place to charge them even if they did have one.

Teacher on school bus, "Everybody sit down now, the bus is about to start."

Ben: "I’m not going to sit down. I don’t want to."

Teacher: "You have to, or else you have to get off the bus."

Teacher: "*stands up*"

Ben: "Then you should get off the bus 'cause you're not sitting."

I thought gender reveal parties were only for newborns, not for teenagers.

Why can't an orphan be a criminal? Because they are not wanted.

Boy: “My heart MELTS for you.”

Girl: “OMG, are you okay?!?!”

Boy: “Yeah, why?”

Girl: “Because if your heart is melting, then you are NOT okay.”

What did Osama Bin Laden's kids not inherit after his death?

His hide-and-seek skills.

Roses are red, violets are blue. You belong in a zoo, but don't worry, I'll be there too. Just not in a cage, I'll be laughing at you.

Roses are red, that much is true.

But violets are violet, not f*ing blue!

How much you wanna bet you will not repeat my name out loud (at school/work)?

What's the difference between a criminal and an orphan?

One is wanted and one's not.

Who will hit the ground first, the girl or the apple?

I don't know, it depends if the girl is emo or not. If she is emo, the rope will catch her.

Your mama so fat when she steps on the scale, the scale said, "I'm trying to get your weight, not your phone number!"