Not jokes

My girlfriend said to me, "Dear, I think you have hit an animal, there's blood and dents all over the bonnet."

I said, "No, love, I'm not waiting for a Black Lives Matter rally."

I'm not transphobic. I just want transparency...

Always breathing down my neck, my vampire girlfriend does not give me any space.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I thank God I'm not as ugly as you.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around.”

I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.

We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.

What do you call a person with no arms and legs?

You can call him whatever you want; he's not coming.

What did a bee who was interested in philosophy say?

"To bee or not to bee."

I was bullying Stephen Hawking. I told him, "Why not stand up for yourself?"

Kid on Xbox: I'm not a virgin. Ask your sister.

Bully on Xbox: I don't have a sister, dumbass.

Kid on Xbox: You will in 9 months.

Your hairline is so far back that when I wrote it on a chalkboard, it did not erase.

People shouldn't worry about how orphans would feel reading these jokes. It's not like they have parents to buy them a phone or computer to see them, or even a place to charge them even if they did have one.

This ole boy picked up this hooker and was getting some head driving down the road, and she started gagging on it a little, and he said, "Oh yeah baby, you like that big dick, don't ya?" and she said, "Oh baby, it's not that, ya asshole stinks!"

Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.

It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.

I got fired for not doing enough work.

Guess I didn’t put enough backbone into it.

Emo: Phone die.

Emo: Why not me? ;(

Why did Stephan Hawking not turn up to the meeting?

His internet connection ran out.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not your dad.

Your face is so big that not even you can see it.

Me: I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut g” and slapping the neck, I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g.”

Emo kid: He said like your bullet holes, G.

Me: I have no bullet holes.

Emo kid: Not yet, you don't.

Me: Ayo what the fuc*.