Not jokes
Why did the orphan cross the road?
Not to see his parents.
Why do you not play with a cheetah? Because they cheat!
My three favorite things are eating my family, and not using commas.
Roses are red, that much is true.
But violets are violet, not f*ing blue!
How much you wanna bet you will not repeat my name out loud (at school/work)?
Why did the skeleton not go to the party? Because he had no body to go with.
9/11 is not funny. It's just plane disrespectful to make fun of it.
Your mama so fat when she steps on the scale, the scale said, "I'm trying to get your weight, not your phone number!"
What did a bee who was interested in philosophy say?
"To bee or not to bee."
It's not easy to make good pedophilia jokes, because it's a very touchy subject.
Always breathing down my neck, my vampire girlfriend does not give me any space.
What do you call a person with no arms and legs?
You can call him whatever you want; he's not coming.
Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.
It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.
Why did Stephan Hawking not turn up to the meeting?
His internet connection ran out.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around.”
I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.
We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.
I'm not transphobic. I just want transparency...
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I thank God I'm not as ugly as you.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not your dad.
I was bullying Stephen Hawking. I told him, "Why not stand up for yourself?"