Not jokes
I'm not saying you're annoying. But if rectal herpes were a person, it would be you.
Alabama's saying: It's not cheating if we’re all siblings.
A team of cops and a news reporter are at a home where a violent crime has been committed. The head news reporter, in front of the camera, says, "A woman in this house has killed her husband because he stepped on the floor while she was mopping." He then turns around and asks a cop, "Has the woman been arrested yet?" The cop replies, "Not yet, we're waiting for the floor to dry."
Something you can say about a restaurant, but not your partner:
"So you’re open 24 hours a day?"
What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?
"Does this come with anything?"
Why is it so hard to make friends in Antarctica?
Because you cannot break the ice.
It’s not cheating if you’re all siblings.
What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person?
I'd ask what's up, but it's definitely not you!
I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."
I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.
Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.
Why was Macaulay Culkin not bothered by Michael Joseph Jackson? He was left home alone.
The girl asks her boyfriend, "Are you jealous of my heart?"
He says, "No."
She says, "Because it's pumping in me and you're not."
I'm so good at talking to myself but not to others.
I'm not into scatplay. In fact, I think that shit's disgusting.
My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.
I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"
What do a 9V battery and a butthole have in common?
We know we’re not supposed to put our tongue on them, but we do it anyway.
Why are cops worried about drunk drivers and not elderly drivers?
I actually want peace, not war.
That's what I always try reminding my girlfriend before beating her up.
In Rocket League, you don't care who wins game MVP as long as it's not somebody on the other team.