Not jokes

Roast

I'm not saying you're annoying. But if rectal herpes were a person, it would be you.

Sibling

Alabama's saying: It's not cheating if we’re all siblings.

A team of cops and a news reporter are at a home where a violent crime has been committed. The head news reporter, in front of the camera, says, "A woman in this house has killed her husband because he stepped on the floor while she was mopping." He then turns around and asks a cop, "Has the woman been arrested yet?" The cop replies, "Not yet, we're waiting for the floor to dry."

Restaurant

Something you can say about a restaurant, but not your partner:

"So you’re open 24 hours a day?"

Wife

What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?

"Does this come with anything?"

Antarctica

Why is it so hard to make friends in Antarctica?

Because you cannot break the ice.

Incest

It’s not cheating if you’re all siblings.

Down Syndrome

What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person?

I'd ask what's up, but it's definitely not you!

Dark Humor

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.

Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.

Michael Jackson

Why was Macaulay Culkin not bothered by Michael Joseph Jackson? He was left home alone.

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

What do a 9V battery and a butthole have in common?

We know we’re not supposed to put our tongue on them, but we do it anyway.