Not jokes
A DAY IN THE HAZBIN HOTEL
[The lobby of the Hazbin Hotel. Angel is doing his makeup; Husk is passed out at the bar.]
Alastor: (Appears with a blender and a jar of red liquid) Merely ensuring fresh provisions.
Angel: Margaritas?
Vaggie: (Entering, suspicious) What is that?
Alastor: A certain Sir lost his fizz.
(Alastor turns on the unsecured blender. Red goo sprays everywhere, coating Vaggie, Charlie, and the walls.)
Vaggie: (Screaming, covered) You got Sir Pentious all over my wings!
Charlie: That's not a smoothie!
Angel: (Snapping a photo) Looks like someone’s career just got blended!
The real reason women are always cold is because they’re not in front of a stove or an oven. So, naturally, when they leave the habitat, they need to have two blankets.
Why did the three 23s not go to the orphanage?
Because they already 69'd.
What type of chip can orphan's not eat? The Lay's Family Size chips!
People always call me heartless. That’s not true. I have a heart... it just wasn’t meant for you.
I'm not saying you're annoying.
But if a yeast infection were a person, it would be you.
Doctor: "I am so sorry, I cannot see you today."
Orphan: "Oh, okay. What about tomorrow?"
Doctor: "No, I can't see you ever."
Orphan: "Why?"
Doctor: "Because I am a family doctor."
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"
The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."
Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"
President Chumples memorialised Charlie Kirk by saying, "He had a real shot at being president."
That's not a joke. The fat fuck actually said that after pan face got shot.
Q: Why is marriage not a word?
It's a life sentence!
Why is it called scissoring and not lip-syncing?
What did one sperm say to the other while swimming side by side?
One turns to the other and asks, "How much further to the fallopian tubes?"
The other says, "I’m not sure, we just passed the esophagus."
What do renovators and lesbians have in common?
They're both not interested in exposed wood, apparently.
When you were supposed to help the depressed kid, but not "help" the depressed kid.
Why did Sally not come home from school today?
Because she died by a flying brick!
Why did Sally not come home from school today?
Because she got hit by a bus.
When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant:
Did you get seafood without me? It smells like fish.
When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant.
Did you get seafood without me?
Why do women love Chinese food? Because WON TON spelled backward is NOT NOW!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."