My new leaf blower doesn't work. It sucks.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.
What did the cat say when he took his new car for a test drive?
"Meoooow!"
What does 2016 and 2020 have in common?
A monkey caused worldwide outrage.
I saw a black man riding a brand new bike, so I went home to check my garage. It’s all good because I still saw mine still chained to the floor begging for food.
Why was it cold in Stephen Hawking's house?
Because he had a new window open...
So I got these new shoes, except they were from a drug dealer.
Now I don't know what they were laced with, but I was trippin' all day.
H: *walks into bedroom* Why are you packing your bags?
W: I heard in New York women get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.
*Later that day*
W: *walks into the bedroom to see husband packing his bags* What are you doing?
H: I’m going with you. I want to see how you live off of $800 a year.
My mom told me that she got a new job & I don't have to leave the house.
Then my mom told all my customers are the men that live in our neighborhood.
Then I ask what is your job call. My mom said job hand, then I said job and or is hand job.
My mom said yeah that it. My mom said I'm good at my job that why all the males are always knocking at the door.
My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.
Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."
I was gonna tell a rumor about butter, but I don’t want to spread it.
Recently, I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker downtown in Manhattan, New York, thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.
My friend got a sorry excuse for a new hair style, she says "How do you like my new hair style?"
Me: I think it's a great idea, when are you getting one?
I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised when I saw on the news that there was a school shooting in my shooting range. I don't know who snitched...
A man was kneeling on the church floor, crying desperately in front of the large wooden statue of Christ.
"My headphones are broken, Lord... I'm desperate... What should I do? Guide me!"
And the Lord appeared in the form of bright light, and the strong, deep voice filled the man's soul.
"WELL BUY NEW ONES, YOU DUMBASS!"
And so he did.
How do you tell a child they have cancer?
With a smile on your face.
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
New Gen iPhones are designed for orphans, cause they don’t need a home button
I wonder of Steven hawking was a organ donor cuz i need new parts for my go kart
