According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form consists of only four lines:
1. What was your income for the year?
2. What were your expenses?
3. How much have you left?
4. Send it in.
I got a new Lego airplane set from my friend... oddly, there were also two towers included in the box as well.
I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.
A father bought his depressed son a new house, and then pointing at it, he said, "Hang in there, son!"
Breaking news: Man with Alzheimer's forgets he's blind and recovers from visual impairment.
A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.
The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."
The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."
Bin Laden’s kid comes sad from school.
“Dad, I got an F in Geography class!”
“Why is that?”
“The teacher asked me what’s the tallest building in New York and I said ‘Empire State Building.’”
Bin Laden waits a moment and then replies, “Let dad handle this one.”
Why are people from New York so bad at chess?
Because they quickly lose two towers (rooks).
What's black and white and red all over? An American School.
On 9/11, the New Yorks lost to the Jets.
Your mama so fat, when Pennywise said, "We all float down here," he saw her and suddenly knew he was mistaken.
Why do musicians in New Orleans smell so good?
Because they're jasmine (jazz men)!
A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"
Why can't Sally swing?
Because she has no arms.
Knock knock, "Who's there?", not Sally.
Where did Sally go when the bombs dropped?
Everywhere.
New civil war themed porn title: “Harriet Tubman gets hit with something other than an iron ingot.”
When Stephen Hawking was asked why he was instantly attracted to his new girlfriend, he said, "It's simple, she pushes all the right buttons."
A news headline read: "A toddler has shot a person every week in the US for two years straight."
He was in the infantry.
My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.
What does 2016 and 2020 have in common?
A monkey caused worldwide outrage.
Why didn’t the orphan see the new movie?
It was "Spider-Man: No Way Home."
