News jokes

New horror movie idea.

The main character loves anime. The killer yells "Omae wa mou shindeiru." The main character instinctively yells back "NANI???" and is killed.

How many dead babies does it take to put in a new light bulb? Not thirteen, cuz my basement is still dark. Let's try fourteen.

What does a cop say when you shoot a ginger?

I guess orange is the new black.

A 28 year old woman, Olga, in Meshchovsk, Russia took justice into her own hands when a 32 year old male robber, Viktor, decided to rob her salon. She tied him, feeding him only Viagra, having sex with him over and over. After a few days, she released him after he stated he learned his lesson and wouldn't go to the police. He lied and went to the police anyways. Both were arrested.

After his sentence was over, Viktor sat down to speak to the local news. The reporter asked Viktor, "How was this whole ordeal?" Viktor replied, "I've had better."

What does a broken down vegetable say?

I need new wheels.

There is a new kind of jock strap; it only holds one nut. It is called a Trump supporter.

So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.

So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...

What time do terrorists arrive in New York City?

9:11 AM

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form consists of only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?

2. What were your expenses?

3. How much have you left?

4. Send it in.

Breaking news: Man with Alzheimer's forgets he's blind and recovers from visual impairment.

A father bought his depressed son a new house, and then pointing at it, he said, "Hang in there, son!"

A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.

The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."

The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."

Your mama so fat, when Pennywise said, "We all float down here," he saw her and suddenly knew he was mistaken.

Why do musicians in New Orleans smell so good?

Because they're jasmine (jazz men)!

I like my girlfriend's new secondary school uniform, I guess, but doesn’t beat her old primary school one. 😀

I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.

Why are people from New York so bad at chess?

Because they quickly lose two towers (rooks).

I got a new Lego airplane set from my friend... oddly, there were also two towers included in the box as well.

What's black and white and red all over? An American School.

On 9/11, the New Yorks lost to the Jets.