News jokes

The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.

Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."

Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"

Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."

Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

The new pandemic is feminism and all kinds of democratic thinking. COVID is a joke compared to these nasty ass diseases.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Apple made a new product for Chinese people called the iOpener.

I hope Stephen Hawking's an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-cart.

What commitment does a pimp make to each new hoe he turns out?

Answer: He will always be there for her after the break-in period.

Has anybody noticed that the New York City football team is the New York Jets? They sure know how to scare the Twin Towers.

I brought a new pen that can write underwater. It can also write other words.

What time is it when it turns 13 o'clock?

Time to get a new watch.

We just got a new chicken-proof lawn. It's impeccable.

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

Did you guys see on the news where they arrested that pervert at the Michaels Crafts store?

He was running around completely naked and had sprinkled glitter all over his testicles. I guess it was pretty nuts.

Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"

Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"

Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."

Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".

He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"

Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."

You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no, he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.

Why did Michael Jackson rush to H&M?

They had new Billie Jeans!

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.

New Teacher: "I was an orphan as a kid."

Students: "OOOF"

Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"

Students: "Your Parents."

I have some sad news. The Australian inventor of the boomerang grenade died today. RIP 😔

Why did the royal wedding get more publicity than a school shooting?

Cause a royal wedding doesn't happen once a week.

How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.