News jokes
After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”
The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”
During the Wintery Wackiness Wars!
A Soviet Sergeant, stationed stilly near a sloped summit with his silly soldiers!
Then a shout sails from the tippy-top: "A Finnish fighter's fantastic force fractures a hundred heroic Honchos!"
The Kommandant's kerfuffle commences, commanding a caravan of one hundred comrades to conquer the crest!
Nifty navigation notes nil, the nasty news nabs many! After an Hour, hush descends. The high voice hollers, "A Finnish fighter's fantastic force fractures a thousand heroic Honchos!"
Kommander fumes, forcing a further flurry, flinging one thousand fine fellows skyward!
Nearly two hours now and the noisy nuisance ceases, then the shouting starts: "A Finnish fighter's fantastic force fractures ten thousand heroic Honchos!"
The Kommandant kaput! Ten thousand troopers take the trek, taking tanks, trundling skyward, to take the terrain!
Four fearsome, fretful hours then a soldier in tatters comes tumbling, talking: "Stop sending up soldiers, sir! There's two Finns fighting fiercely!"
Two boys are talking on the bus.
Boy 1: I feel like I'm forgetting something.
Boy 2: Hey, did you hear about that school shooting last week?
Boy 1: Oh, that's right.
What does 2016 and 2020 have in common?
A monkey caused worldwide outrage.
What's black and white and red all over?
A newspaper.
I saw a helicopter on January 26, 2020. Then Kobe was on the news.
A man tried to tame a horse, but always failed. The news spread around town that this man couldn’t tame one single horse.
One day, the man went to a bar, where a fairly old man sat next to him. “Well partner!” He began. “I guess your dream horse is more of a NIGHT-MARE!”
when Ted Bundy found out he was getting the death penalty, he was pretty shocked...
Sad news, my obese parrot died today.
Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
Joseph Rosenbaum died doing what he loved: chasing minors.
Did you hear about the guy who got electrocuted?
It was quite a shocker.
Did you hear about the person who died? I would tell you about him, but he died.
White comedy week:
Monster Truck Monday
Trailer Park Tuesday
White Trash Wednesday
Take Your Sister Out Thursday
Fox News Friday
Storm the Capitol Saturday
Say You’re Sorry Sunday
Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"
Breaking news (2020): Depressed pigeon misses shitting on people.
Why do depressed people want to kill themselves?
To be loved on the news show for 10 minutes.
When I was your age, we had Wacko Jacko, not Florida Man.
I just found out I'm colorblind. News came out of the purple.
A news headline read: "A toddler has shot a person every week in the US for two years straight."
He was in the infantry.
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.