Never jokes

So, there was this girl on the street that had no arms or legs, that said "Hey sir, I've never been fucked before, will you do the honors and fuck me?" So, I threw her in the ocean and said "Well, your fucked now."

Kelly Clarkson may be able to shed her weight [through pills], but she will never be able to shed the fact that she admitted herself that she molested her children when they were toddlers.

Sir, I mustache you a question...

Ah, never mind, I'll just shave it for later.

Girls are like volcanoes.

You never know when they will erupt.

I just wanted to say to never let go of family; they are everything. Never let anyone walk all over you. And if you are with me, like this quote.

Why did Hitler turn to genocide after a failed career as an artist?

He never learned to mix the colors.

Kobe Bryant never missed a shot.

But he nailed that mountain.

Why is the sea salty?

Because the land never waves back.

My wife is like a mirror.

I can never look at it.

I would never kill an animal. I'm more of a people person.

An old man goes to a church and is making a confession:

Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old."

Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"

Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."

Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"

Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

Me: Your ugly...

Person: I'm not your mirror...

Me: I never told you to be my mirror :p

Why did the transgender girl want to be a boy?

Because momma never raised no pussy.

Some say Stephen Hawking was a genius, but I never heard him say anything intelligent.

If a heterosexual man wanted his dick sucked, what would a feminist say to him that a gay man would never say to him?

"Not now, I have a headache."

Why can't religious women be raped? Because they are taught to never say no!

A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.

The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.

The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."

I never knew the kid at school had autism. I always just thought he was walking into cobwebs.

Doctor: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?"

Patient: "I don't know. I never tried lighting it."

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."