My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
Suicide is never the answer.
Suicide is the question.
The answer is yes.
They'll never do reverse cowgirl because you never turn your back on family.
Why can orphans travel around so much? They never get homesick.
Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got to see either of them, and they are now extinct.
Do you have dark humor?
Actually, never mind. I was going to tell you a joke about babies dying... but I decided to abort.
Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”
“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”
Never invest in funerals. It's a dying industry.
What pool never runs dry?
The one on the Titanic.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it's too long." Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it."
My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.
Lying bastard never came out.
Children should never run with scissors, and lesbians should never scissor with the runs.
What starts with M and ends with arriage?
Miscarriage. Now we all know that joke never gets old, and you know what?
Neither does the child.
How are school shooting victims and school shooting jokes similar?
They never get old.
My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.
They told me I could never be an actor.
No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.
What does a dad and the Twin Towers have in common? Once they're gone they never come back.
What do you call a group of Emo kids?
Suicide Squad.
What jumps and never let's go?
An Emo kid.
I bet all Emos want to be like their biggest influencers some day.
Dead.
Why do Emos want to be the "Scene" these days?
The only thing I've "Scene" from them is their suicide rate climbing, it's starting to climb quicker than they did to get to the top of whatever they jumped off.
I tried to commit suicide today; never doing that again. I almost killed myself.
