Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.
People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.
Sometimes you just need to take a drive through the city to clear your head.
-JFK
What's both red, white and sometimes purple?
My arms...
Just all us depressed people joking about our depressed lives, we should hang out sometime.
Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly, the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.
The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday. You know, Dad has a big belly, and that's why Mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." The little boy says, "But Mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!"
What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.
I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!
Guy spills milk on me. I say, "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes, but apparently your mom made a big one."
My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.
Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed, receiving medical treatment not that far after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit him. Jeremy told his best buddy this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb tall peaking mountains, and low flat valleys, and all after that we'll be happy forever in heaven, eventually." Little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor.
Sometimes, I think back on all the mistakes I've ever made.
Then I realize, "My daughter isn't THAT bad..."
Sometimes, stairs get me down.
Suicide is just freedom, life is just full of pain... Sometimes if you're gone maybe somebody might notice. Feels like life is a maze and the only way to leave is the exit. Nobody notices your pain, your suffering, and that you try your best though everyone notices your mistakes. Life just feels like everyone hates you. Life for me is just faking smiles, I'm not sure how everyone lives such a good life.
Sometimes I wish my gf was here, that way we could have some fun in my bed. Then I realize she's right across the hall. (SWEET HOME ALABAMA)!!
Sometimes my battery life has the same recognition as me :(
I went to a sleepover at my best friend's house. He lives with his grandpa and little brother, his mom and dad. His little brother likes to run around the house naked sometimes. I can't help but notice his grandpa always looks up when he does.
Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"
What did the momma grape say to the pappa grape?
"Raisin' our kids is usually pretty fun, but sometimes they get sunburn and I have to take them to the doctor for dry skin."
I had a horse named Mayo, and sometimes Mayonnaise.
