My jokes

I will never forget my little brother's last words, RIP.

His last words: "Paint doesn't taste good."

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

Baby, here's my anus.

Baby, too, where's my anus?

What’s the difference between a computer and Paul Walker? I give a crap when my computer crashes.

Girl: Hi (flirt)

Boy: Hi? (reluctant)

Girl: I'm a cheerleader captain, I'm also single (flirt).

Boy 2: Excuse me?! He's MY MAN...

So, you're human, huh? Well, I'm a skeleton, so not much gets under my skin.

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

My name is Caleb, and I like boo and eat it.

One time I broke a leg and I was using a wheelchair.

My parents thought I was a disappointment and put me up on eBay, the Ohioan Black Market, and the nearest adoption center.

I went to visit my childhood home. I asked the owners if I could come in for some nostalgic memories. They said no and slammed the door on me. My parents are so mean.

A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk.

His wife was up waiting for him.

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled.

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.

A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"

My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer.

Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer, then someone would kill me.

The teacher says to do your homework. I do. My friends do. One person never does any of his homework.

Eventually, we had to have fun. He said he didn't do it. WOW what did he do? I like to think he got smacked and nearly committed suicide.

My friend fell on the Nile river and Egypt last week.

He swears by it, but he’s in denial.

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.

When I was 17, my mom’s door was always locked. I wonder what she was doing.

I was an orphan as a kid, and I'm pretty sure my favorite thing was seeing parents with their kids.

I think we know why.

I found an alien in my backyard. I put him to work. He went to a farm, and I never saw him again. Moments later, he is on the Daily Planet acting as a reporter. A green rock smashed my house. I called him back, and he passed out.

I remarked, "You lazy!"

I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof.