My jokes

My grandma asked me if I could visit her.

I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.

I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."

Teacher: Where were you born?

Student: The highway.

Teacher: What do you mean?

Student: I don't know, my mom says that's where all the accidents happen.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf....ftysrrtfgbjysou34w45pjr578v

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.

What's the difference between you and a fridge? The fridge doesn't moan when I put my meat in.

At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "'Cause she clearly has no taste." She responded.

My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.

I'll never forget my sister's last words. "Is it edible?"

I brought my cousin to an arcade and I gave her $5 to go play a game, but she tugged my joystick too hard.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

Mom, how were hoomans made? Son, it’s because Adam and Eve were brought down by God and made babies!

Dad, how were hoomans made? Son, us humans evolved from monkeys!

Mom, Dad said hoomans were evolved from monkeys, is that true? Oh son, (ruffles smol man’s hair) your dad was telling you his side of the family, and I was telling my side :)

Kid: "Hey, are you an orphan?"

Friend: "Yeah, but you are too."

Kid: "At least my parents wanted me."

I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"

My therapist said: "Time heals all wounds."

I shot her, now we wait.

In death, what is the only organ in a woman's body to remain warm?

My dick.

My mum told me to stop playing with my sister. She said, "At least wait for her to be born first."

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

I like my women how I like my wine.

14 years aged and locked in a cellar.