My jokes

What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.

"What's your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."

What's the difference between you and a fridge? The fridge doesn't moan when I put my meat in.

At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "'Cause she clearly has no taste." She responded.

My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.

I'll never forget my sister's last words. "Is it edible?"

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

I brought my cousin to an arcade and I gave her $5 to go play a game, but she tugged my joystick too hard.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"

My therapist said: "Time heals all wounds."

I shot her, now we wait.

My mum told me to stop playing with my sister. She said, "At least wait for her to be born first."

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

I like my women how I like my wine.

14 years aged and locked in a cellar.

Slapped cheese on my white friend, told him I like cheese on my crackers.

So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.

Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?"

Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."

Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff."

Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."

So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.

A boy walks in on his parents having sex. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the boy screams at his father, and runs out of the room.

Soon, the parents hear screams coming from the father's mother's room. They both go running. They see the little boy pumping into his grandmother like anything. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the father screams. "It's not so easy when it's your mother is it?" says the boy.

I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.