My jokes

I wish my grass was emo, so it would cut itself.

You're so skinny my grandma gonna use you like a cane.

You heard a conversation between Sans and Papyrus:

Sans: "Sub bro."

Papyrus: "DON'T 'SUB' ME BROTHER! YOU STILL DIDN'T REDINTEGRATE YOUR PUZZLES!"

Sans: "Easy bro, I have done a ton of work today."

Sans: "A skele-ton."

(Drum effect)

Papyrus: "OH MY GOD SANS!"

My friend said this to me: "Were you born on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen." :(

I was talking to my friends and they said a random topic about cats, and I'm like, "Water you talking about?" =3

Ah, son of a bitch, I got the truth stuck on my shoe?!?!

The truth: Breast feeding is like having long sex with your baby. God dammit, I hate the truth!

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I finally had to take his bike away.

I decided today that I was going to do something with my life, something amazing, and I decided to punch a homeless man.

Did you know that whenever I read my blood donor ID?

Because it says "B Positive!"

My wife (or husband) told me to get six cans of Sprite from the grocery store.

I had just realized when I got home that I had picked up 7-Up.

I went to a restaurant and a waiter took my order. She had two black eyes, so I ordered real slow.

Because obviously she doesn’t listen.

On my signal, I would like you to drive onto the pavement (sidewalk) and run over my ex-wife.

To all my bullies: don’t call me gay because I’m not happy.

So here's Uranus, where's my anus?

What do windows have in common with my wife's legs? They're easy to open.

What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?

I give a fuck when my computer crashes.

Knock knock. Who's there? Well, I will tell you who's not there: my dad.

Yo forehead is so freaking big, but not bigger than my BBC. 😏

Person: "My pony is crazy; it's always horsing around."

My mom said the only way to cure depression is to do what she does. She's dead.