My jokes

I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.

My mum told me to stop playing with my sister. She said, "At least wait for her to be born first."

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

I like my women how I like my wine.

14 years aged and locked in a cellar.

So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.

I brought my cousin to an arcade and I gave her $5 to go play a game, but she tugged my joystick too hard.

I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.

The teacher asked her student to say the alphabet. The student recited the alphabet: "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz". "Where's the p?" He looked down to the floor and said: "it's running down my legs".

My conversion therapy done worked. Now I only sleep with my sister and not my brother.

So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."

So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.

What's the difference between my phone and my sister?

I actually give a damn if my phone dies.

What would you find on a haunted beach?

A sand-witch!

"Hey guys, I'm a new jokester, remember my name as I'll be making a lot more!!! P.S. They will be much better than this one!"

What did the math book say to the other math book?

Wanna hear my problems?

I would name my daughter Awesome so I can tell people that I'm fucking awesome.

What’s the difference between jail and my basement?

Some people are let out of jail.

At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "'Cause she clearly has no taste." She responded.

My mom told me a joke she made 13 years ago, but she didn't tell me what it was... Anyways, I'm turning 14 next month.

My school is on fire today, and I pushed a kid in a wheelchair down the stairs and shouted, "Hot Wheels!"

Slapped cheese on my white friend, told him I like cheese on my crackers.