My jokes

"What's your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."

I'll never forget my sister's last words. "Is it edible?"

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

My therapist said: "Time heals all wounds."

I shot her, now we wait.

I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" I said: "No it doesn't."

I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.

My mum told me to stop playing with my sister. She said, "At least wait for her to be born first."

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

I like my women how I like my wine.

14 years aged and locked in a cellar.

So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.

I brought my cousin to an arcade and I gave her $5 to go play a game, but she tugged my joystick too hard.

I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.

The teacher asked her student to say the alphabet. The student recited the alphabet: "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz". "Where's the p?" He looked down to the floor and said: "it's running down my legs".

My conversion therapy done worked. Now I only sleep with my sister and not my brother.

So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."

One day I came to my mom and said, "MOM!!! I can make a butterfly!"

Mom: "No you can't..."

Me: *throws butter out the window* Me: "Look I made a butterfly!"

lol this isn't funny but I hope you liked it.

I would name my daughter Awesome so I can tell people that I'm fucking awesome.

So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.

What's the difference between my phone and my sister?

I actually give a damn if my phone dies.