My Jokes

I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.

So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."

So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.

What's the difference between my phone and my sister?

I actually give a damn if my phone dies.

What would you find on a haunted beach?

A sand-witch!

"Hey guys, I'm a new jokester, remember my name as I'll be making a lot more!!! P.S. They will be much better than this one!"

RIP

The image shows a split view of two anime characters. On the left is a person with long white hair sitting down, labeled "my clinical depression". On the right, a male anime character with short blonde hair is looking away, labeled "my family".

I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.

What did the math book say to the other math book?

Wanna hear my problems?

At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "'Cause she clearly has no taste." She responded.

My school is on fire today, and I pushed a kid in a wheelchair down the stairs and shouted, "Hot Wheels!"

Slapped cheese on my white friend, told him I like cheese on my crackers.

Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?"

Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."

Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff."

Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."

Girl: "Come over."

Orphan: "I can't."

Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"

Orphan: "Just two things I don't have."

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

One day I came to my mom and said, "MOM!!! I can make a butterfly!"

Mom: "No you can't..."

Me: *throws butter out the window* Me: "Look I made a butterfly!"

lol this isn't funny but I hope you liked it.

A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.

I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.

I like my men how I like my coffee...

WITHOUT A FUCKING VAGINA!

My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.