My jokes

So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.

I brought my cousin to an arcade and I gave her $5 to go play a game, but she tugged my joystick too hard.

I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.

The teacher asked her student to say the alphabet. The student recited the alphabet: "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz". "Where's the p?" He looked down to the floor and said: "it's running down my legs".

My conversion therapy done worked. Now I only sleep with my sister and not my brother.

So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."

So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.

What's the difference between my phone and my sister?

I actually give a damn if my phone dies.

What would you find on a haunted beach?

A sand-witch!

"Hey guys, I'm a new jokester, remember my name as I'll be making a lot more!!! P.S. They will be much better than this one!"

What did the math book say to the other math book?

Wanna hear my problems?

I would name my daughter Awesome so I can tell people that I'm fucking awesome.

At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "'Cause she clearly has no taste." She responded.

My school is on fire today, and I pushed a kid in a wheelchair down the stairs and shouted, "Hot Wheels!"

Slapped cheese on my white friend, told him I like cheese on my crackers.

Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?"

Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."

Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff."

Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."

Girl: "Come over."

Orphan: "I can't."

Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"

Orphan: "Just two things I don't have."

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are he he.

One day I came to my mom and said, "MOM!!! I can make a butterfly!"

Mom: "No you can't..."

Me: *throws butter out the window* Me: "Look I made a butterfly!"

lol this isn't funny but I hope you liked it.

A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."