My jokes

My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf....ftysrrtfgbjysou34w45pjr578v

My advice to suicidal people: just hang in there. 🕺

Teacher: Where were you born?

Student: The highway.

Teacher: What do you mean?

Student: I don't know, my mom says that's where all the accidents happen.

My dad died on 9/11. He was a great pilot.

My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.

What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.

What’s the difference between jail and my basement?

Some people are let out of jail.

At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "'Cause she clearly has no taste." She responded.

My mom told me a joke she made 13 years ago, but she didn't tell me what it was... Anyways, I'm turning 14 next month.

What's the difference between you and a fridge? The fridge doesn't moan when I put my meat in.

I'll never forget my sister's last words. "Is it edible?"

I brought my cousin to an arcade and I gave her $5 to go play a game, but she tugged my joystick too hard.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

Slapped cheese on my white friend, told him I like cheese on my crackers.

Mom, how were hoomans made? Son, it’s because Adam and Eve were brought down by God and made babies!

Dad, how were hoomans made? Son, us humans evolved from monkeys!

Mom, Dad said hoomans were evolved from monkeys, is that true? Oh son, (ruffles smol man’s hair) your dad was telling you his side of the family, and I was telling my side :)

Kid: "Hey, are you an orphan?"

Friend: "Yeah, but you are too."

Kid: "At least my parents wanted me."

I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"

My therapist said: "Time heals all wounds."

I shot her, now we wait.

In death, what is the only organ in a woman's body to remain warm?

My dick.