My jokes

I'm so depressed that when I smile my Face ID won't work.

I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."

Rizz

Are you a basketball hoop? 'Cause I want to put my balls in you.

Are you a photo biographer? 'Cause I can picture us together.

My friends were worried that I was making suicide jokes so much, so I said, "Don't worry, you won't have to hear them much longer."

My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.

A pedophile was holding a bag of chocolates and then approached a little girl at the park.

"Hey little girl! If you give me a teeny-tiny kissy-kiss on the tip of my wee-wee, I'll give you a piece of my chocolate!"

The little girl replies, "If I suck your whole cock, can I have the whole bag?"

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

What's the difference between you and a fridge? The fridge doesn't moan when I put my meat in.

What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.

My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender for 12 shots of vodka. The bartender asks what the man is celebrating, and said he'll give one shot on the house. The man said, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob. And nah, if 12 shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

I'll never forget my sister's last words. "Is it edible?"

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"

My therapist said: "Time heals all wounds."

I shot her, now we wait.

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" I said: "No it doesn't."

I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.

My mum told me to stop playing with my sister. She said, "At least wait for her to be born first."

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

I like my women how I like my wine.

14 years aged and locked in a cellar.