My jokes

My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.

My advice to suicidal people: just hang in there. 🕺

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.

I was digging a hole in the garden until I found some coins! I was about to tell my mum when I remembered I was digging a hole in the garden.

Teacher: Where were you born?

Student: The highway.

Teacher: What do you mean?

Student: I don't know, my mom says that's where all the accidents happen.

What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.

I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

I've been hit by several things in my life.

Sadly, never a car.

My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.

What's the difference between you and a fridge? The fridge doesn't moan when I put my meat in.

My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.

I'll never forget my sister's last words. "Is it edible?"

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

My therapist said: "Time heals all wounds."

I shot her, now we wait.

I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" I said: "No it doesn't."