My jokes

My math teacher keeps telling me to find his x. It's kinda creepy.

How are Xbox servers like hookers? First they take my money, and then they go down on me.

Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

Me: Wanna hear a joke about my chin?

Friend: Nah, dude. It'll be too long.

My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.

My advice to suicidal people: just hang in there. 🕺

Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?

Son: Sure thing, dad!

Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!

Son: I don't get the joke, dad.

Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.

What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.

My dad died on 9/11. He was a great pilot.

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

I've been hit by several things in my life.

Sadly, never a car.

Rizz

Are you a basketball hoop? 'Cause I want to put my balls in you.

Are you a photo biographer? 'Cause I can picture us together.

My thighs have a different texture pack than the rest of me.

I'm so depressed that when I smile, my Face ID doesn't recognize me.

My heart says to stop because it hurts.

Bro, chill. It's really not that deep.

Things to kids:

Dragapult: "Ooh, look! Some ammo."

A Good Parent: "My baby!"

Michael Jackson: (HeeHee)

I'm so depressed that when I smile my Face ID won't work.

My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.