My jokes

What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.

Teacher: Where were you born?

Student: The highway.

Teacher: What do you mean?

Student: I don't know, my mom says that's where all the accidents happen.

I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."

My thighs have a different texture pack than the rest of me.

Things to kids:

Dragapult: "Ooh, look! Some ammo."

A Good Parent: "My baby!"

Michael Jackson: (HeeHee)

I'm so depressed that when I smile, my Face ID doesn't recognize me.

I'm so depressed that when I smile my Face ID won't work.

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

My dad died on 9/11. He was a great pilot.

My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

My grandma asked me if I could visit her.

I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

"What's your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."

What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.

At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "'Cause she clearly has no taste." She responded.

What's the difference between you and a fridge? The fridge doesn't moan when I put my meat in.