My jokes

What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.

So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”

What’s the difference between a hundred decapitated babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!

Grew up playing Fruit Ninja on my iPad. Spent time with my online sister playing multiplayer.

Now I play it in school with an awesome small steel blade.

I’m not allowed my phone during school hours and I have to give it in at the start of the day...

Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.

Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)

My handicapped friend was getting bullied. I said, "Just stand up for yourself!"

My mom said I need Jesus in my life, so I drunk up the holy water ;}

So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.

My ex-girlfriend got hit by a bus. I also lost my bus driver's license.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.

I was on the Oregon trail with my friend's brother, Carl. He got cholera, so we threw him off the wagon. When we came back, he was having a seizure and pooping uncontrollably. It was pretty cholerious.

Me: Your ugly...

Person: I'm not your mirror...

Me: I never told you to be my mirror :p

Remember what one of my gay friends told me: it's only cannibalism if you swallow.

Sometimes, I think back on all the mistakes I've ever made.

Then I realize, "My daughter isn't THAT bad..."

Got a PS5 for my little brother yesterday, best trade I'd ever done.

My Asian girlfriend has a weird name. As I gave her anal, she was yelling "I'm too young."

Did anyone get my joke? It probably flew over your heads, oops I meant through.

My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.

My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."