My jokes

My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!

Grew up playing Fruit Ninja on my iPad. Spent time with my online sister playing multiplayer.

Now I play it in school with an awesome small steel blade.

I’m not allowed my phone during school hours and I have to give it in at the start of the day...

Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.

Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)

My handicapped friend was getting bullied. I said, "Just stand up for yourself!"

My mom said I need Jesus in my life, so I drunk up the holy water ;}

So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.

My ex-girlfriend got hit by a bus. I also lost my bus driver's license.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.

I was on the Oregon trail with my friend's brother, Carl. He got cholera, so we threw him off the wagon. When we came back, he was having a seizure and pooping uncontrollably. It was pretty cholerious.

Me: Your ugly...

Person: I'm not your mirror...

Me: I never told you to be my mirror :p

Sometimes, I think back on all the mistakes I've ever made.

Then I realize, "My daughter isn't THAT bad..."

Got a PS5 for my little brother yesterday, best trade I'd ever done.

My Asian girlfriend has a weird name. As I gave her anal, she was yelling "I'm too young."

Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?

That's what happened to my dog.

Did anyone get my joke? It probably flew over your heads, oops I meant through.

My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.

My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."

My bank loves me. They told me my credit card balance is outstanding.

Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's dad said, "That's Mr. Wiggles." Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's mom said, "That's my garden." Timmy's mom said, "Don't look up." Timmy looked up. Timmy said, "What are those?" Timmy's mom said, "Those are her headlights." Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said, "Don't look under the covers." Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR. WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."