My Jokes

My Llama's cousin sucks at going on vacation.

He just stands there; "I'll pack uhhhh...."

I like my cigars like I like my women: 7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba.

Ok, not really racist but still funny.

So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

My bank loves me. They told me my credit card balance is outstanding.

"I hate when people make 9/11 jokes because my grandfather died during the Twin Tower attacks. He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia."

Family be like:

The image shows three panels. In the first panel, Kristoff from the movie Frozen is standing with his arms outstretched, saying "Meet my family." There are many gray stones around him. In the second panel, Olaf the snowman says "They're...rocks." Anna stands next to him. The third panel shows a group of muscular men, including Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and a character that resembles Maui from Moana, standing among gray stones.

Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.

Roses are red, my blood is too. I see a lot when I lost you.

A blind woman told me I had a big penis yesterday.

I think she was pulling my leg.

Someone asked me my gender... I said, "Woah, man."

My dad's the oldest, and when he was young, he shot my grandpa's balls off, but I thought about it. How does my dad have younger brothers?

I got caught masturbating in the bath by my mum!

I said, "Mum, I’ll wash it as hard and fast as I want!"

Are you suicide? Because you are always on my mind.

Me and my stepmom went into the forest.

I think I hid the body pretty well, but now I have to hide the gun.

My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.

A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.

The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.

The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."

So I was at home, and I went to take a shower, and I accidentally walked in on my brother having sex with some girl. So I left. A couple minutes later, I needed my headphones to listen to music, so I asked my mom where she was. She told me she was in the shower. Our house only has one bathroom. Sweet home Alabama.

My undergrad was killer. It was murder in the first degree.

What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?

I take off my boots when I jump on a trampoline.

So, Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well, come with me out to my dad's car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"