My jokes
Q: What’s the difference between me and you?
A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.
Francis Pope, Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and a little boy were on a falling airplane. There were 3 parachutes. Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps off the plane saying, “The world needs my leadership!” Barack Obama grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world,” so he jumps off the plane. At this point, the Pope and the little boy are on the plane. The Pope says to the boy, “take the last parachute, I am too old and I’m going to die soon one day.” The little boy says, “actually there are two, you see, Donald Trump took my backpack.”
My grandfather said I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my dick!
The judge asked Bill Cosby for his defense. He used feminist talking points and said "My body, my choice" and "It's my right to privacy." The judge, being impartial, let Cosby go.
Memes
My mind was blown when I saw all the people waving at me.
-JFK
What do my clothes and a depressed person not have in common?
My clothes don't hang themselves...
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
A man was asked by his 21 years old daughter, "Dad, how do you give a blowjob to a man that has a big dick?"
Her father replied, "Honey, you should have watched me last night. It was inside my mouth. Does it cycle now?"
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.
Named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I can say, “Get down, Syndrome!”
So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.
My Llama's cousin sucks at going on vacation.
He just stands there; "I'll pack uhhhh...."
I like my cigars like I like my women: 7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba.
Ok, not really racist but still funny.
My bank loves me. They told me my credit card balance is outstanding.
My little cousin's birthday was in a few days, and his mom said he wanted Hot Wheels. So I sent him a video of me pushing a paralyzed kid into fire and screaming "HOT WHEELS!"
"I hate when people make 9/11 jokes because my grandfather died during the Twin Tower attacks. He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia."
Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.