My jokes

Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?"

Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."

Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff."

Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."

My Smoothie Ingredients: - Bananas - Strawberry - The Blood of my ex - Peanut Butter

When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"

Girl: "Come over."

Orphan: "I can't."

Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"

Orphan: "Just two things I don't have."

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are he he.

One day I came to my mom and said, "MOM!!! I can make a butterfly!"

Mom: "No you can't..."

Me: *throws butter out the window* Me: "Look I made a butterfly!"

lol this isn't funny but I hope you liked it.

A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.

I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.

Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”

“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”

My brother called me short and ugly, so I called him an ambulance.

My grandpa killed 100 German soldiers; he was the worst German pilot ever.

Today, I dreamt about giving head to Johnny Depp.

Then I woke up and realized that I forgot to roll my windows up when passing through the New Jersey Turnpike.

I like my men how I like my coffee...

WITHOUT A FUCKING VAGINA!

My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.

I will always remember my grandpa's last words. "Shit, the ladder is falling!"

Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."

Jesus Christ said my faith can move mountains, so Mohammed said my faith can move skyscrapers.

I'm at my happiest point in life. I'm dating someone that's autistic, and I was just saying I needed someone special in my life.