My jokes

What would you find on a haunted beach?

A sand-witch!

"Hey guys, I'm a new jokester, remember my name as I'll be making a lot more!!! P.S. They will be much better than this one!"

What did the math book say to the other math book?

Wanna hear my problems?

What’s the difference between jail and my basement?

Some people are let out of jail.

My mom told me a joke she made 13 years ago, but she didn't tell me what it was... Anyways, I'm turning 14 next month.

My school is on fire today, and I pushed a kid in a wheelchair down the stairs and shouted, "Hot Wheels!"

Slapped cheese on my white friend, told him I like cheese on my crackers.

Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?"

Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."

Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff."

Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."

My Smoothie Ingredients: - Bananas - Strawberry - The Blood of my ex - Peanut Butter

When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"

Girl: "Come over."

Orphan: "I can't."

Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"

Orphan: "Just two things I don't have."

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are he he.

A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.

The other day I started watching Game of Thrones.

I told my friend about it. Told him all about the violence, murder, decapitation, gore, sex, gay sex, midget sex, prostitution, rape, paedophilia, incest, and inbreeding... And he was like: "Oh, so you're still on the first episode then?"

I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.

Jesus Christ said my faith can move mountains, so Mohammed said my faith can move skyscrapers.

Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”

“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”

My brother called me short and ugly, so I called him an ambulance.

My grandpa killed 100 German soldiers; he was the worst German pilot ever.