My jokes

I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are he he.

What did the math book say to the other math book?

Wanna hear my problems?

Roses are red, grass is greener. When I think of you, I play with my wiener.

What would you find on a haunted beach?

A sand-witch!

"Hey guys, I'm a new jokester, remember my name as I'll be making a lot more!!! P.S. They will be much better than this one!"

Shit! My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs! I've been his customer for 4 years, but I had no idea he was a barber.

I'm gonna jump to my death.

Don't worry. I won't jump far.

Just off this chair here...

Someone at school judged my grammar.

I judged theirs by the terms "school" and "rifle range" being mixed up the next day.

My wife is like a mirror.

I can never look at it.

My Smoothie Ingredients: - Bananas - Strawberry - The Blood of my ex - Peanut Butter

Girl: "Come over."

Orphan: "I can't."

Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"

Orphan: "Just two things I don't have."

When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.

I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.

Jesus Christ said my faith can move mountains, so Mohammed said my faith can move skyscrapers.

A blind woman told me I had a big penis yesterday.

I think she was pulling my leg.

Despite my devilish attitude, I have the heart of a small boy.

I keep it in a jar on my desk.

My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.

Today, I dreamt about giving head to Johnny Depp.

Then I woke up and realized that I forgot to roll my windows up when passing through the New Jersey Turnpike.