My jokes

Shit! My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs! I've been his customer for 4 years, but I had no idea he was a barber.

Someone at school judged my grammar.

I judged theirs by the terms "school" and "rifle range" being mixed up the next day.

I'm gonna jump to my death.

Don't worry. I won't jump far.

Just off this chair here...

My wife is like a mirror.

I can never look at it.

My Smoothie Ingredients: - Bananas - Strawberry - The Blood of my ex - Peanut Butter

Girl: "Come over."

Orphan: "I can't."

Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"

Orphan: "Just two things I don't have."

When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.

I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.

Jesus Christ said my faith can move mountains, so Mohammed said my faith can move skyscrapers.

I will always remember my grandpa's last words. "Shit, the ladder is falling!"

Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”

“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”

A blind woman told me I had a big penis yesterday.

I think she was pulling my leg.

Today, I dreamt about giving head to Johnny Depp.

Then I woke up and realized that I forgot to roll my windows up when passing through the New Jersey Turnpike.

I like my men how I like my coffee...

WITHOUT A FUCKING VAGINA!

Despite my devilish attitude, I have the heart of a small boy.

I keep it in a jar on my desk.

My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.

My grandpa killed 100 German soldiers; he was the worst German pilot ever.