My jokes

My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.

Kid: "Hey, are you an orphan?"

Friend: "Yeah, but you are too."

Kid: "At least my parents wanted me."

Despite my devilish attitude, I have the heart of a small boy.

I keep it in a jar on my desk.

My grandpa killed 100 German soldiers; he was the worst German pilot ever.

I like my men how I like my coffee...

WITHOUT A FUCKING VAGINA!

My brother called me short and ugly, so I called him an ambulance.

Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”

“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”

I will always remember my grandpa's last words. "Shit, the ladder is falling!"

Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."

I'm at my happiest point in life. I'm dating someone that's autistic, and I was just saying I needed someone special in my life.

I was cutting the vegetables and my mom asked how I was so skillful.

A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."

I now know what my first tattoo should be, zebra stripes! Not like anyone would know the difference between them.

My friend told me to "hang on" when I told him I wanted to kill myself.

Buddy, I’ll be hanging for sure, just you wait.

I met this girl at a bar and started doing her from behind. Everything was great until she turned and said, "My turn!"

I saw my friend hang themselves. My response was, I guess they wanted to hang with someone.

This is NOT my joke. I found it on Google. It's a texting joke.

Mom: Son, your grandma just passed away LOL.

Son: Mom, what do you mean LOL? That means laughing out loud.

Mom: Oh no, I thought that meant lots of love. I have to text everyone back!!!!

The joke is my life.

I was talking to a beaver about my life. I don't think he really gave a dam about it at all.

Two men are hunting. One asks: "Did you ever hunt bear?" The other one answers: "No, but one time I went fishing in my shorts."