This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
boss: you're fired
me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
boss: you're a waiter where did you get those
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
when i sh one day, my mother told me that it cuter her deep, we both found that very amusing
There was a man named, Matt, that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, I am here to tell you my sins. He was all for it and said go ahead.
Matt, "Father, Last night I almost cheated on my wife"
Priest, "how so?"
Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything just rubbed each other, that's all"
Priest, " RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! for your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box"
Matt, "okay i promise not to see her again"
Then Matt walks out the door
Priest, "Hey I saw you! you didn't put any money in the donation box!!"
Matt, "Yes I did, I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in"
My girlfriend called me a pedophile but what does she know, She's 7
My family is like treasure. I need a map and shovel to find them.
1 like= 1 more child in my basement
I will never forget my grandfathers last words. “The fuck you doing whit that knife
My girlfriends last words I can’t wait to become a mom
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
I keep looking for my girlfriends killer but no one wants to do it.
Whats the difference between A pile of dead babies, and a ferrari... I dont have a ferrari in my garage.
My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy.
My friends say they don’t like my skeleton puns.
I should put a little more backbone into them.
A family of 3, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie. It’ll be fun.” “Ok,” the mom and son reply happily. “Let me start,” says the son. “Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom. “I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son. “Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games.” Says the mom. “Your right!” He replies. “I’ll go next,” says the dad. I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.” “Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom.” Says the son. “The lie isn’t that your adopted.” Says the dad.
I popped some fireworks and told my Vietnamese grandfather that World War 3 started.
when i ask my dad did i get adopted he said not yet no one wants you
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
I was playing Mortal Kombat with my friend when he picked the fighter Pristiano Penaldo. I won and the voice didn't say "Finish him", so i couldn't do a fatality. I was confused but i understood that the game didn't let me finish him because he is already finished.
