My jokes
My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
What do you call a dog with no legs?
My asian neighbors dinner.
I only have 4 moods:
• fuck this • fuck that • fuck me • fuck you
I empathize with the above, but I have an additional 4 moods to add:
• fuck yeah • fuck no • fuck my life • fuck everything
and don't forget the inevitable
• fuck it
and for those who have just given up
• fuck
This is beautiful.
I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story, and I think that something scary is about to happen. I can feel it.
my teacher with every one for no reason
Someone raped my ear, now I have hearing aids.
My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.
Me: But they're not that long.
Roses are red, But grass is greener, When I think of you, I play with my wiener.
My dad just comes and goes.
Next time at Walmart, I'm going to scan my wrist. They are basically barcodes.
I will never forget my grandfather's last words: “The fuck you doing with that knife?”
Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!
Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!
While an unsuspecting father's at the office making money, this 18 year old son will spend his day in mother's cunny.
We're at the breakfast table, father eats and takes his calls, he doesn't know my mother's toes are kneading at my balls.
My sister's pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad!
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
Boss: You're fired.
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?
When I self-harmed one day, my mother told me that it cut her deep. We both found that very amusing.
Just got an iPhone 12 for my brother, best trade I've ever made.
I want to die peacefully like my uncle, but I don’t own a car or have a garage.
I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.
"Are you getting the knife?"