My jokes

I only have 4 moods:

• fuck this • fuck that • fuck me • fuck you

I empathize with the above, but I have an additional 4 moods to add:

• fuck yeah • fuck no • fuck my life • fuck everything

and don't forget the inevitable

• fuck it

and for those who have just given up

• fuck

This is beautiful.

I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story, and I think that something scary is about to happen. I can feel it.

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

Someone raped my ear, now I have hearing aids.

There was a man named Matt that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, "I am here to tell you my sins." He was all for it and said, "Go ahead."

Matt, "Father, last night I almost cheated on my wife."

Priest, "How so?"

Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything, just rubbed each other, that's all."

Priest, "RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! For your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box!"

Matt, "Okay, I promise not to see her again."

Then Matt walks out the door.

Priest, "Hey! I saw you! You didn't put any money in the donation box!!"

Matt, "Yes I did. I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in."

My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.

Me: But they're not that long.

Roses are red, But grass is greener, When I think of you, I play with my wiener.

I will never forget my grandfather's last words: “The fuck you doing with that knife?”

Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!

Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!

My sister's pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad!

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me while he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

Boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?

When I self-harmed one day, my mother told me that it cut her deep. We both found that very amusing.

I cried when my dad cut up onions. Onions was a good dog.

I want to die peacefully like my uncle, but I don’t own a car or have a garage.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile, but what does she know? She's 7.

When I ask my dad if I got adopted, he said, "Not yet, no one wants you."

I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.

My family is like treasure. I need a map and shovel to find them.

1 like = 1 more child in my basement.