My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.
Me: But they're not that long.
My Jokes
I will never forget my grandfather's last words: “The fuck you doing with that knife?”
Someone raped my ear, now I have hearing aids.
Little Johnny walked into the bathroom while his dad was taking a dump. As soon as Little Johnny walked in, his dad let out a big FART! Little Johnny said, “WHAT WAS THAT?” His dad said, “That was the sound of the north wind.” The next day his teacher asked the class, “What’s the direction of the north wind?” Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on him and he said, “TEACH IT’S MY DADDY’S BOOTY!”
Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!
Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!
I once heard my dad shout, "I'm going to be like Frozen and let it go!" Then I heard a gunshot.
I cried when my dad cut up onions. Onions was a good dog.
Despite my devilish attitude, I have the heart of a small boy.
I keep it in a jar on my desk.
When I self-harmed one day, my mother told me that it cut her deep. We both found that very amusing.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
Boss: You're fired.
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?
I want to die peacefully like my uncle, but I don’t own a car or have a garage.
There was a man named Matt that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, "I am here to tell you my sins." He was all for it and said, "Go ahead."
Matt, "Father, last night I almost cheated on my wife."
Priest, "How so?"
Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything, just rubbed each other, that's all."
Priest, "RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! For your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box!"
Matt, "Okay, I promise not to see her again."
Then Matt walks out the door.
Priest, "Hey! I saw you! You didn't put any money in the donation box!!"
Matt, "Yes I did. I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in."
My girlfriend called me a pedophile, but what does she know? She's 7.
1 like = 1 more child in my basement.
My family is like treasure. I need a map and shovel to find them.
My girlfriend's last words:
"I can’t wait to become a mom!"
A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home.
She realizes she's pregnant and has a baby boy.
The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.
The third year, she's feeling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father!"
Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"
What's the hardest part of running through a field of dead babies?
My boner.
I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.
