My jokes

I will always remember my grandfather's last words before he died: "Is that a real chainsaw?"

Sometimes I wish I could use my school scissors on my heart.

But apparently there is something in your heart, so I already have scissors in my heart.

Hello people, my name is Osama.

I'm back from the dead and I want to blow you.

My speech impediment has gotten so worse that I stutter when typing sentences.

Alex, you will never believe this!!!!!!!!!! Please respond as quick as possible! To my love, Alex!

I've heard stories of my mother. She was a teenager and left me in the blender, but luckily the power cut out, like at the orphanage.

I had something about tripping over ice.

Well, it slipped my mind, so I'll just test some diamonds to see if they're ice.

I feel weird to ask this, but can anyone guess my real name?

#Imbored

My nuts hurt; if you pull them, I will scream.

My nuts tickle; scratch them, and I won’t like you no more.

My sister is really disrespectful, and her famous words are, "You're not my parent!" The next time she says this, I'm going to respond back with, "You're right, because I would have worn a condom to protect from you being born unlike my dad did!"

Me: Mrs., can I read my book?

Teacher: Sure.

Me: *watching my Chromebook*

Some weird kid came into school today with his tagging gun. He tagged my friend really good. At the end, he tagged 12 students and 1 teacher. VICTORY ROAYAL ✌

I woke up today, and my mom said it was 1940.

Ohh my god, it's a dinosaur with a huge ass mothafuckin' noseeee!!!!

Can you be my daddy? 🍌😘😉

Dad: Where is my son?

Son: Come join me with musical chairs, except we stand on them.

Dad: Ok, so do we put this round our neck?

Son: YES!

Mum: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

My name is Devonair.

When I get a haircut, it's always bald.

Kids make fun of me, they call me "dang-near bald head."

My name is Devonair *dev-on-near*

I always thought they were making fun of me because of my name pronounced near.

Q: My scale had my phone number on it. Wandering why, I looked up only to see an elephant in my face...

My ex misses me, but her aim is getting better.

One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother's face through the oven window as we played hide and seek, and she said: "You're getting warmer!"