My jokes
My dick harder than stone, man.
I said to my girlfriend nothing can ever make you look ugly...
Because you already look ugly.
Me: *finds out my dad's an orphan*
No one:
Literally no one:
Me: Time to make his life hell.😈
D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: Don't take drugs kids!
Me: My therapist says I need those to live.
D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: _escorts to school counselor_
I will unplug your life support to kill my mum and give her it so she can bleed more.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
Speak to your dad before I put my hand up your ass!
I got a GTR yesterday, now my kids say, "GTR we there yet?"
What did Vegeta say to Bulma?
What?
Can I show you my new move? It's called BIG BANG ATTACKKKK! :)
When you tell her you are about to "COME," she says no, don't, please just keep going.
Shenron: THAT IS BEYOND MY POWER.
My mom said, "Hey, come over here."
I responded, "Too late, Mom!"
Guy: Are you tired?
His “Crush”: No.
Guy: Are you sure, because you’ve been running through my mind all day?
His “Crush”: That’s sweet.
Guy: I’m joking, you don’t look like you do any running.
What's the difference between a God and my mom?
My mom exists. I mean... she did at one point! Unlike any "Gods."
Me walking away after committing murder in a school with my trusty “friend”.
I'll unplug your life support for my phone that's about to die.
Best pick up line EVER.
There is an app on your phone called ringer. Go into it. There is a 12 to 15 digit number. Enter that into my phone, my dick will get 12 to 15 inches longer.
Most people my age have had sex. Not my fault I'm not able to fit in.
For all those Simpsons fans out there, this one I'm sure you know:
Abe: "It's rotten being old. No one listens to you."
Lisa: "It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you."
Homer: "I'm a white male, aged 18-49. Everyone listens to me--no matter how dumb my suggestions are."
It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive.
I saw my midget neighbor at a bus stop.
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I said.
"Bugger off!" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little man," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.