My jokes
My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.
I like it when your mom keeps on top of things.
(Male fantasy)
Yeah, on top of me on the living room carpet, snogging my face off.
My woman told me that she wants to have sex with me, and I said, "Let's go at it." She said, "Shut up and kiss me on all my pillows."
My ceiling isn't the best... But it's up there!
I have something on my lip and I think I’m taller than you.
"Who am I?"
I was thinking of a good accident joke, and I asked my sister. She said, "you."
Just walked in on my parents doing it! Worst 30 minutes of my life.
I have a picture of Uranus on my computer.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
My I.
May I who?
May I put this pussy on your mouth?
What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?
One says, "God is my father." The other says, "Who's the father and who is my son?"
My question is, how do fat people fit in tuxedos? Honestly, don’t wear those. Wear your regular clothes. Your belly is just gonna pop out!
There's a girl I like in my school, but she's always on her phone. It seems that I can't get a SIGNAL from her.
How to improve my beloved Penchester United in 5 easy steps:
1. Sell Casemeiro 🤑 2. Sell Pernandes 🤑 3. Sell Bencho 🤑 4. Sell Trashford 🤑 5. Terminate penaldo 🤑 6. Make Mctominay extend his deal 📝
These came down deep from my heart. Don’t let me down again, please.
Your hairline is so far back that my father couldn't even reach the store in time before it grew!
So, on one partly cloudy night, there was a boy and his dad gazing up at the sky.
Dad: Aren't the stars just wonderful?
Boy: I'm not sure, from my angle, all I see are clouds.
Dad: Well, come over here and take a look.
Boy: Damn, the clouds always move when I get to the right spot!
Dad: Well then, I guess I will have to make you see them everywhere you look then.
Then the Dad shook and spun the boy around till he said...
NOW I'M SEEING STARS!!!
My love for you is like poop.
Whenever I feel you, I have to run to the toilet and flush you away.
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.
You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
You are my compass; without you, I’m lost.
My dad was a great pilot...
He died in 9/11.