My jokes

I'm so proud of my grandpa, he killed Hitler. WAIT-

I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”

My grandpa died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

If I had a genie grant me wishes, I wouldn't wish for a million pounds. I'd just wish that every time I buy something I just have the right amount of money in my pocket at the time.

I like my men like I like my coffee: black and hot.

What's big and black?

My balls.

My friend that was in a wheelchair was getting bullied, so I said, "Stand up for yourself."

I am the ice cream man running over fat kids with my van. If you touch my van, I’ll smack you in the face with a frying pan. If you steal ice cream, I’ll shoot you in the face with a fudge machine.

Orphan: I dip my Oreos in water.

Me: Why?

Orphan: Because my dad did not come back with the milk.

I would like to thank my favorite President Barack Obama. Sorry, Barack Obama and my uncle Obama bin Laden. I mean Osama bin Laden. Sorry, hummus in my throat.

My girl asked me if I had seen a gorilla anywhere. I told her yes, I did see one a minute ago at the Central Park Zoo. He said if you don't behave, he will take you back to the jungle and have your ass abandoned for good.

Read my name. 👍🇮🇪

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

My life, ha ha funny!

I have a friend who recently stopped smoking, and the withdrawal was causing hallucination. He went to my house and thought there was a shark in the pond in my backyard. So, I would like to dedicate these lyrics to my friend: "I see a dreamer over there by the water!"

If someone has a gun and tries to shoot you, just say, “Hipity hoppity, that gun is my property.”

I remember my grandad's last words: "Are you still holding the ladder?"

Today sucked. My friend fell off a cliff, and I went to jail.

I quit my job at the bank today. I lost interest.

Me on my way to the principal's office after the trans kid told me to act my age, so I told him to act his gender.