My Jokes

Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.

My grandpa's last words before he died in Vietnam were, "What the fuck did I step on?"

My favorite bartender serves drinks so strong, he gives a "get well soon" card with each one of them!

Your mama is so fat, when I think of her in my head, she just broke my neck.

I told my kids to smile with the monkeys in the open zoo.

They never got together at all.

An image of an orange cat looking directly at the camera. The text above reads: "the newborn i microwaved watching me go to heaven because i confessed my sins while he's stuck in purgatory for not being baptized."

I'm bored. If you want to friend me in Roblox, my username is Talitha95g and my nickname is talithafromamirica.

A lot of things changed when I got my girlfriend pregnant: my name, my address, and my phone number.

I have a picture of Uranus on my computer.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Don’t worry, he woke up.

In my basement.

My mother told me to be positive, but she said that when I was going to do an AIDS test.

I was on the Official Cristiano Ronaldo website when suddenly my Anti-Virus software showed an alert on my screen! The notification read "WARNING: FRAUD DETECTED!" I was shocked but not surprised.

Penaldo has been finished for years after all, and he often ghosts in big games.

What’s the similarity between a broken pencil and my life? They’re both pointless.

My friend said this to me: "Were you born on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen." :(

I saw that my brother has brain cancer, so I asked him: "Are you big brain?"

Me, an orphan: *laughing at orphan jokes*

Some person: Stop laughing, it's sad to laugh at your pain.

Me, an orphan: That's the funny part, what am I going to do, tell my parents?

To the guy in a wheelchair who stole my camouflage coat: you can hide, but you can't run.

All of a guy's sons came out gay. He ordered 10 shots in a bar.

The bartender asks, "Do you have anyone in your family who likes women?"

The man said, "My wife does!"

What do my balls and emos have in common?

...Nothing, they both hang themselves...

I was spending my holiday in Paris with my gf. As we were walking near the city, a meteor hit and killed my gf.

Forensics did an autopsy on the corpse and concluded that someone missed a pen and hit my gf from the PSG training ground. SHAME ON YOU PESSI FOR RUINING MY LIFE! 🤬😡