My jokes
My wife said she would slam my head into my keyboard if I did not get off video games.
But don't worry I think she was just joking.
It was dinner in the plane, and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What are my choices?" the passenger said.
"Yes or no," the flight attendant replied.
My teacher got so mad at me for making 9/11 jokes, she hit me twice and I said, "Damn, got hit twice!"
Don't turn the toaster sideways, worst mistake of my life.
I found a chest of gold in my garden the other day. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.
Then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.
Quiet kid reaches down and class starts running.
Quiet kid: What's wrong? Pulling out my...
Whenever my grandparents apologize, I say "forgive and forget". They are really obedient.
I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.
I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."
He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"
"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."
I heard that my crush got kicked in the balls and when I thought of it...
When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.
I’m back and have a joke my friend said!
Person 1: My brother's Halloween costume is so ugly.
Person 2: What was it?
Person 1: He went as himself.
Q: Name a murderer?
A: Jews: Hitler. Russians: Stalin. Chinese: Mao. Americans: Bin Laden. Aborted fetus: My mom.
I love my mom.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?
"I finished my job."
What about me?
Say my name if you like "Breaking Bad."
One day a man dies and goes to heaven. He gets there and sees a bunch of clocks. He asks Jesus, "Hey, what are the clocks for?" Jesus replies, "They move every time you sin." "This is Mother Teresa's, it has not moved so she has not sinned." "This one is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice so he sinned twice." The man asks, "Where is Joe Biden's?" Jesus replies, "It's in my office-- I'm using it as a ceiling fan."
What did the barbwire say to big foot? "My name is Jeff."
Wash It Away - By Bradley Lewis(watersharky) and Ben Lewis and Watersharky Music Productions - Why does it always feel like I'm the one that's had a bad day?
Whether I'm stuck in traffic or showing up to work late,
Oh this 9 to 5 feels like 9 to forever been working all week
For a jerk that thinks they can say whatever they want to me
I'll just bite my tongue for a couple more days
Soon I'll be in that island sun surfing those waves
I need the beach I love the ocean
Put my feet in the sand
Watch the earth in motion
Ya had a bad week ya had a bad day
Take it to the shoreside and wash it away
Oh yeah
You gotta wash it away
Finally I'm here and I can't even stop myself from smiling
Somebody hand me a beer and I'll check the girls on the island
Don't miss my 9 to 5
Living like a local on this island time
I got those sandy toes and nobody knows jump in the ocean and just go with the flow
I'll miss my sandy toes
I've got to go back before you know this island is my home
I need the beach I love the ocean
Put my feet in the sand
Watch the earth in motion
Ya had a bad week ya had a bad day
Take it to the shoreside and wash it away
Oh yeah
You gotta wash it away
Wash it away
I need the beach I love the ocean
Put my feet in the sand
Watch the earth in motion
Ya had a bad week ya had a bad day
Take it to the shoreside and wash it away
Oh yeah
You gotta
Wash it away
Wash it away
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"