My jokes

What were my final words to Putin before I put a bullet through his head?

Answer: Putin, put out!

Yo mama's so fat, I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.

What is white, then red, and is very fast?

My chainsaw blade.

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was useless in bed.

Should have seen her face when they all disagreed.

My favorite dark joke is orphan jokes. For no apparent reason.

(If you see this joke with a blue "S" that's also me. I just have an acc now.)

I wanted to fall off a cliff, sadly, there aren't any cliffs near my house.

When the husband said "Is your ass so big?" she said "Because I am holding my shit."

I was walking down the streets with my parents and my sister. My mum said, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." I stepped on a crack. My sister has been in the hospital ever since.

Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.

Things you say before sex, Disney addition:

"Have you seen my Mouseketool? Oh, Toodles!"

My grandpa's last words before he died in Vietnam were, "What the fuck did I step on?"

Do you know why I finger women with my left hand?

Because they don’t deserve rights!

I just wanna say thanks to everyone who favorited my jokes and commented! Thanks!

OK, OK, what's up with the fake Gwens? I am going to use a test to see who is real or not.

The real Gwen will know this. When did I come onto this website? Next question, what is my real name, and do I go on cursing rampages? Only the real Gwen can complete this test with the right answers.

Why is my sister so annoying? Because put your own thing in.

So, my kid took my car. He crashed it off a bridge. I miss it, but it's going to have my car.

My mom is in the FBI. My dad is in the FBI. My sister is in the FBI. My brother is in the FBI. And do you know what I am?

Divorced.

I love my grandpa, he killed Hitler.

My dad told me and my sister to stop arguing, so I threw her out the window instead.

My career is worth more than your adoption.