My jokes
I told my kids to smile with the monkeys in the open zoo.
They never got together at all.
Like my daddy? Too bad you don't have one.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair and guess who came crawling back!
Why is my sister so annoying? Because put your own thing in.
Little boy: Momma?
Mom: Yes, my dear.
Little boy: One day I wanna work in McDonald's.
Mom: Why!?
Little boy: Just to see if their ice cream machine is actually broken.
What did one squirrel say to the other squirrel?
"Stop staring at my nuts."
I wanted to fall off a cliff, sadly, there aren't any cliffs near my house.
I had sex with twins. Well, I think it was twins. All my rage victims look alike.
My favorite bartender serves drinks so strong, he gives a "get well soon" card with each one of them!
When the husband said "Is your ass so big?" she said "Because I am holding my shit."
Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.
My life, but wait, jokes actually have meaning.
My mom is in the FBI. My dad is in the FBI. My sister is in the FBI. My brother is in the FBI. And do you know what I am?
Divorced.
I love my grandpa, he killed Hitler.
My dad told me and my sister to stop arguing, so I threw her out the window instead.
My career is worth more than your adoption.
What is white, then red, and is very fast?
My chainsaw blade.
My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was useless in bed.
Should have seen her face when they all disagreed.
What were my final words to Putin before I put a bullet through his head?
Answer: Putin, put out!
Yo mama's so fat, I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.