My jokes

Some dude: Water you thinking?

Me: You're drowning in my head.

Why do my kids die?

Stinky Oussy :D

I’ll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I’m a baker’s man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I’ll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you’re now worthless to me!

"Give me 5 cents and I’ll grant you a wish."

Ok.

"Thank you, what is your wish?"

I wish for my 5 cents back.

My pathological cheater of a sister wanted to play a board game with me.

I turned her down because I didn't like the Risk involved.

My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.

He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.

If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

My dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, he said nothing.

As a brother, I have to report my sister has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great personality.

My mom has a toy that I see all the girls and guys seem to play with, and the toy is between my mom's legs.

If you scanned my thigh, it would show up as a package of Oreos on the screen.

I said I was going to my flat. I really meant your girl.

My girlfriend used to give the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.

I like my wine like my women:

16 and in my basement.

My phone is just like the Twin Towers; they got put in airplane mode.

What’s the difference between Santa and my dad?

Santa got the milk.

"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."