My jokes
Why did an old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
Why did the actor fall through the floorboards? They were going through a stage!
Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field!
Why are peppers the best at archery? Because they habanero!
What did the duck say after she bought chapstick? Put it on my bill!
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It is either one or the udder!
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!
My girlfriend broke up with me because I have a small dick. Too bad for her, because I give good sex.
I'm jealous of cancer. My dad beat me but never beat cancer.
After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"
The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.
"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.
The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"
My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...
I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.
I used to think that I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagi-asian.
My Premier is so fat she has her own gravitational pull.
My sex life.
Your hairline is so far back my dad even took 48 hours to reach it.
This isn’t much of a joke, but here's a pickup line. Are you a marshmallow? Because I wanna put my stick in you.
Today was a terrible day. My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
My friend has glasses, and we were talking about owls, and I told my friend to give an owl glasses. I told my friend that it'd be a spectacled owl!
We wrote letters to a kid with cancer.
My letter read, "It's a bumpy road, but soon you will have a straight path."
People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.
What's the difference between a red Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a red Ferrari in my car.
Sign on my attorney's office wall: "You can't have manslaughter without laughter."
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Ketchup.
Ketchup who?
Ketchup my slow tomatoes! 🍅😂
Johnny was watching TV when he heard them say "bitch" and "bastard," so he asked his dad, "What is a bitch and bastard?"
Dad said, "A bitch is a female, and a bastard is a male."
Then Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "ass" and "shit," so he asks his dad what "shit" and "ass" means. Dad says, "A shit is shaving cream, like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat. Why don't you bug your mom?"
So Johnny goes back to the TV, and then they say "fuck," so Johnny asks his mom what "fuck" means. Mom says, "Fuck means carving, like doing to the turkey." Then a few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door, so he answers it. He then says, "Welcome, bitch and bastard, may I tack your ass?" The people then ask where his parents are. Johnny says, "My dad is putting shit on his face, and my mom is fucking the turkey."
Whoever killed Adolf Hitler is MY hero!
I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.
When I try to call my friend, I can't get through because my name is Lin Kon, and the operator keeps saying, "Yes, Mr. President."