My jokes

I'm so proud of my grandpa, he killed Hitler. WAIT-

My girl asked me if I had seen a gorilla anywhere. I told her yes, I did see one a minute ago at the Central Park Zoo. He said if you don't behave, he will take you back to the jungle and have your ass abandoned for good.

If someone has a gun and tries to shoot you, just say, “Hipity hoppity, that gun is my property.”

Today sucked. My friend fell off a cliff, and I went to jail.

I remember my grandad's last words: "Are you still holding the ladder?"

My wife left me and took the kids.

Me on my way to the principal's office after the trans kid told me to act my age, so I told him to act his gender.

I remember having a crush on my math teacher, so I winked at her and said, "Don't worry, babe, I'll call you later."

My dads just like my eggs... runny. 🤣😭🥺

I think my penis has facial recognition.

My friend died by a truck, why can't I get run over?

My friend Josh made a joke about Liam's nonexistent hairline, even though Josh has massive ears and his face looks like a monkey's... if they were white.

My gun is like my house, used to be full, now it's empty.

When you send a dick pic and she sends one back,

I'm glad mine is the biggest, so I get to fuck my dad again.

What's the difference between dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

I was gonna tell you a joke about my abusive dad...

But I only remember the punch line👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

My grandpa said I'm too reliant on technology... so I screamed that he was a hypocrite and I unplugged his life support.

I told my mum that a few guys tell me that you're a MILF.

My mom said what that is. I reply, "Mom, I'd Like To Fuck." My mum started out to laugh, then she told me, "Well, now you need a new stepdad."

I lost my luggage at an airport once. I sued the airline, but I lost the case...

So, my friend's birthday is in a couple of days, and I was wondering what to get him.

He hangs out at my house a lot, so I suggested adoption papers.