My jokes

Dad: Come on, David, go dress up like a girl.

David: Isn't that illegal?

Dad: Nah, it isn't illegal if you keep the buttons in.

David: I hate my life.

You guys wanna hear a joke?

My LOVE LIFE.

I named my dog "5 miles," so now I can tell people I walk "5 miles" everyday. 😏😎

My boyfriend thinks he’s hilarious.

Him: How do you break things?

Me: You break things up.

Him: Okay.

Me: Is everything okay?

Him: We’re a twig. We’re breaking up.

On the plus side, I finally hear voices talking to me... just wish they were outside my head.

Beast joke ever: my life... Oh wait, I don't have one.

I wrote puns on a piece of paper like this:

P. P. P. P. U. U. U. U. N. N. N. N. S. S. S. S.

Then I showed them to my teacher, asking him what they had in common.

“They are all very tearable,” he replied.

Well, there is one person who gets it!

It’s disappointing that Los Angeles doesn’t offer better transportation, especially since my neighbor offers free mustache rides every night.

My therapist said to try having a different outlook on life.

I agree. I should have a different outlook on life. Preferably from underground.

Am tired of my country!!!! How can two policemen use one gun?

I ate the last of my Egyptian food, and now I falafel. I don't know why I made that joke. Probably just becuscus.

While writing my suicide note, I got a paper cut... it’s a start.

My math teacher walked by and asked me, "What is that?"

I said, "Paper."

She said, "Really?"

I said, "Yeah, do you need glasses?"

I followed the sun for a day (stood there at noon). I found myself at the same spot.

I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.

I told my dad, "I just thought of something funny." He said, "Your face?"

Roses are red, violets are blue, Cause comes near my Willy.

I watch sexy girls AMV and my pp goes up and down and up.

My sister and I were hanging out when she opened her drawer and pulled out 3 condoms and said, "Pick one."

Aren't my egg yolks amazing? Don't they make you crack up? If not, I better scramble!