My jokes

Mom says: "I will go kill myself."

Me: *stays quiet cuz knows better than to talk* *also me internally eyerolls*

Some time later me fighting with my mom:

Me to my mom: "Oh, yea than kill me!"

Mom: "What the hell did you just say? I don't want to hear it from you again!"

Lesson?

So it's OK for adults to say "I'll kill myself" but not teens/kids!?!?

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?

The back of my hand.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked at me surprised.

(P.S. I am not at that age plus I am as straight as a helix ruler.)

GF: What did you use as kissing when you were little?

Me: My sister.

SWEET HOME ALABAMAA

A father is talking to his three kids.

Kid 1: Why is my name Rose?

Dad: Because when you were a kid, a rose fell on your head.

Kid 2: Why is my name Lily?

Dad: Because a lily fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid 3: Auughhghhhggghhh!

Dad: Oh hey, Brick.

I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.

Oh, don't worry, he's okay now.

But the vet charged me six quid.

So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend.

Her boyfriend said "Hi."

I said, "Knife to meet you!"

I told my sister a Dairy joke.

She said it was cheesy.

OK, there are at least 3 pedophiles in your neighborhood.

But there are no pedophiles in my neighborhood; there are only three 10-year-old girls with juicy asses.

Roses are red, My heart, my heart is dead. I have a gun straight to my head.

I was at a funeral and told a joke, and my sister said, "I'm dead." So I said, "That's what she said."

MISSING MISSING!!! 😢😢

NAME: PRUNO PENANDES 👍🤝

MISSING: 27/6/21 VS BELGIUM 🤔🤔

LAST SEEN: DIVING AT OLD TRAFFORD, CRYING TO REFEREES🤬😿

POSSIBLE LOCATIONS: PENALTY SPOT🥅

"GIVE ME PENALTY”🤬🤬

"I ONLY STATPAD AGAINST FARMERS MY FRIEND"😁😁

Haha, my life is a joke, but it ain't funny.

These are bee puns.🐝

I BEElieve you are eager to hear!🐝

I love to BEE a little 9 years old writing on this page.🐝

(Last one) I want to BEEcome a BEE. ;-; I kid... Like this now and please Subscribe to Kelly Qin on YouTube and she is my mom and she has a bake channel!

"I hope my death would make more sense than my life."- Joker

When I become a parent, I’m gonna regurgitate my food to feed my children.

It’ll give me an excuse to make out with my daughter.

My parents love me.

It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.

One time my friend nutted into my bag of trail mix.

I guess you could say I fucking ate a different kind of nut.