My jokes

My eggcellent egg yolks crack everyone up.

If you don't like them, you're just hard boiled.

My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"

"Islam it is."

What has ten children crying, naked, and screaming for their parents?

My big green pedo machine.

My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.

He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

What's the difference between a dead baby in my trash can and a discarded sex toy?

...

I'm still trying to think of an answer.

My username good.

I like my men like I like my Alexa:

By my bed and turned on.

I walked into an orphanage and asked a kid why they were crying.

They said: "Because I lost my parents."

I said: "Let's find them."

They cried harder, so I walked out of the orphanage.

(To a thief) If you like taking things, how about you take my life?

Are you my homework because I’m supposed to be doing you right now, but I’m not.

My name says it all.

My friend said I was gay, but then I realised he was talking to the mirror.

Why am I banned from my Catholic orphanage?

Because the children kept calling me "daddy."

One day I walk up to an emo kid. I realized he had a fresh cut, so I grab my hand and slap his wrist and told him, "I like ya cut, G!"

A girl walks in the room. She asks her mom, "Why's my name Flower?" Her mom said, "When you were born, a flower fell on your head." Brick walks in the room. Jasvidnqzkdvsosbd.

I have tried coke; it is not my cup of tea.

One time the dog got bit by a snake, so my dad had to shoot it. My dad said to me, "This is what's going to happen to your little brother." "What little brother?" Exactly.

My uncle died on 9/11. At least he died doing what he loved, flying planes.

My grandpa's last words were, "Why is there a body in my kitchen?"

No witnesses.