My jokes
Are you dead? Because you look like my dog.
My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."
So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.
Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.
My depression: hey, what's up!
Me: go away.
My depression: well how rude.
Me: 🙄.
My depression: remember that one time......
Me: no, don't even.
My depression: that we.....
Me: nope.
My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.
Me: 😳😶😟.
My depression: 😉 don't worry I'll always be here for you.
What was blue and black and doesn't like to have sex... The little girl in my trunk.
Before my grandad died, he whispered to me, "Is your uncle still in the basement?" I said he has died. Oh, my grandad said, "I will lock him in heaven's basement."
My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.
My friend is blind so he can "no see."
My pencil sharpener when I bleed:
And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.
Help! I got my brother pregnant.
My favorite novel is "The Hunchback of Notre Dame".
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
Last night I slipped on a banana.
My friend said it was a-peeling!
What's the difference between a Porsche and 50 dead babies?
..... I don't have a Porsche in my garage.
My buddy and I both wanted to marry a woman who happened to be an amputee.
Sadly, my buddy won her heart, but I got her leg.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Rabid cow.
Rabid cow who?
Hold on, I need to get my gun...
My father always used to say:
"What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."
Until the accident.
What did me and my uncle call hide and seek? Naked and afraid.
My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.
Then I asked him how many years ago.
He replied with, "When were you born?"
My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.
On this website, I just searched up "My jokes". In response, it said, "No jokes found." Wth.
I went for my routine check up last week, and everything was going great until the doctor stuck her finger up my butt. Should I look for a new dentist?