My jokes
Luigi was dying and had two sons. Bruno was handsome, but Alberto was ugly.
He said, "Maria, tell me, is Alberto my son?"
"Yes, Luigi," his wife said, and he died happily.
Wife said, "Thank God he didn’t ask about the other one!"
My friend's daughter is taking a job in California parking cars. She says she wants to be a valet girl. For sure. For sure.
What does my uncle call a school?
A strip club.
I called my mom on Alexa, and she told me, "Please take out the trash." I said, "But I can't, you're not here."
Today, my family visited Disneyland. When we got to the hall of fame, I was shocked to find a statue of the BielefeldMan.
The tour guide said, "That’s Lewandisney. He owns the biggest collection of Disney TAP-INS and is a Mickey Mouse clubhouse member." Well done Lewandisney!
My kitchen was rearranged today. The tables have turned, and the steaks are higher.
I was going to give my wife chocolates, but my fat friends ate them.
Wife: "You don't even have friends!"
When I was 17, my mom’s door was always locked. I wonder what she was doing.
Me at an orphanage: I need to talk.
Orphan: My parents!
Me: You know that word?
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology. I call him a hypocrite and unplug his life support. 😄😆🔥👍
So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"
To a Mexican person: When I first met you, I thought you were going to say, "My name is Enrique, I have a job for you."
What is the difference between a rock and my girlfriend?
One is rock hard, and the other is Dwayne Johnson.
Me: You know what's the favorite slogan that Hindus like the most?
My friend: What?
Me: “kati supari kata paan katiyo ko bhejo pakistan.”
My dad is John Cena because I can't see him.
Dad: Come on, David, go dress up like a girl.
David: Isn't that illegal?
Dad: Nah, it isn't illegal if you keep the buttons in.
David: I hate my life.
Beast joke ever: my life... Oh wait, I don't have one.
My boyfriend thinks he’s hilarious.
Him: How do you break things?
Me: You break things up.
Him: Okay.
Me: Is everything okay?
Him: We’re a twig. We’re breaking up.
I wrote puns on a piece of paper like this:
P. P. P. P. U. U. U. U. N. N. N. N. S. S. S. S.
Then I showed them to my teacher, asking him what they had in common.
“They are all very tearable,” he replied.
Well, there is one person who gets it!
I named my dog "5 miles," so now I can tell people I walk "5 miles" everyday. 😏😎