My jokes

My Dad pays a lot of attention to our household and has always had a good eye for detail. He was the one that first noticed that my mother and I have the same ring size.

When I was 17, my mom’s door was always locked. I wonder what she was doing.

Little Johnny is my son, and he got hit by a semi-truck owned by a Russian. Now I am on my way on a nuclear submarine with a Burger King Whopper to Moscow, then take revenge for little Johnny!

When someone said to an orphan, "My boyfriend ghosted me," the orphan says back, "Don't worry, my parents ghosted me!" 🤣

What do you call two men fucking? My dad and I. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Gays are always welcome on my Redneck Party Bus. NOT!

Beast joke ever: my life... Oh wait, I don't have one.

So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"

To a Mexican person: When I first met you, I thought you were going to say, "My name is Enrique, I have a job for you."

What is the difference between a rock and my girlfriend?

One is rock hard, and the other is Dwayne Johnson.

Dad: Come on, David, go dress up like a girl.

David: Isn't that illegal?

Dad: Nah, it isn't illegal if you keep the buttons in.

David: I hate my life.

I ate the last of my Egyptian food, and now I falafel. I don't know why I made that joke. Probably just becuscus.

Aren't my egg yolks amazing? Don't they make you crack up? If not, I better scramble!

My name is Gunter.

I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.

I followed the sun for a day (stood there at noon). I found myself at the same spot.

My friend: What are you doing?

Me: I'm making holy water.

My friend: How?

Me: I'm boiling the hell out of it.

I told my dad, "I just thought of something funny." He said, "Your face?"

While writing my suicide note, I got a paper cut... it’s a start.

I wrote puns on a piece of paper like this:

P. P. P. P. U. U. U. U. N. N. N. N. S. S. S. S.

Then I showed them to my teacher, asking him what they had in common.

“They are all very tearable,” he replied.

Well, there is one person who gets it!