My jokes

I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.

I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"

Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.

You’ve got something on your face. Wait, no, it’s just missing something. My dick.

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

McDonald's worker be like, "Hello, would you like a Mc-Dick?" (You looked down) You: "Uhh, where's my dick?"

I remember my first day back when working at a camp. I was so surprised when the trains arrived.

A riddle: My enemy is the Joker, I'm black and I help to save Gotham City. Who am I?

My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.

Why does everyone call me racist?

My shadow is black.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

Well, my dad couldn't beat cancer.

Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.

I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"

I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.

He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.

When I have sex, my girlfriend screams, especially when I walk in on her.

Tuesday, I was looking at my family tree, and two dogs were using it.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"