My jokes

What did the rapper say to his broken pencil?

"You're just not SHARP enough for my lyrics!"

Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

Who is my favorite underground rapper?

XXX Tentacion

Hello explain bear my love 💕💕

I loved the Twin Towers, it's a shame my dad didn't.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, In every step you take, My support stays true.

I will never forget the moment when my father saw me masturbating. He said, "Son, what are you doing? I'm on a video conference - get out of my office!"

My grandad and your hairline go way back.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"

God replies, "So she would love you..."

My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"

Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."

My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."

A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE!”

A man in the back responds, “YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”

My friend is an amazing hacker. He cut down 23 trees already.

My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.

So I brought her a new bathroom scale.

I was digging in my garden when I found this chest of gold coins.

I wanted to run inside to tell my wife what I found, but that's when I remembered why I was digging.

My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!

And he's not even left the house yet!!!

When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So I took away his towers, and he took away my queen.