My jokes
I was walking with my black best friend, and he was meeting my parents, and after I got there, they said, "Who's this?" I said, "Well, I own him."
Attended my boss's funeral to pay my respects. On my way out, I leaned over his casket and whispered lightly, "Well, look who's thinking outside the box now."
My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!
And he's not even left the house yet!!!
After I see an anime boy acting cool,
Me at school acting cool:
My brothers: "He's just acting cool."
Me: I'm gonna kill u 0.0
I hate my stupid wrinkly ring doing f, dad!
What's the difference between a boomerang and my dad?
The boomerang comes back.
What did the llama say when the villagers said that he had to leave the village?
"Alpaca my bags."
What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?
I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.
My father was a great pilot. He died on 9/11.
My gf/bf said: "I'm dating your uncle!" You cry and you look under your bed and your uncle says: "Damn."
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realizes I've replaced the bed with a trampoline!
My friend went to buy some milk, why is she not back yet?
Magician: "I am the greatest magician in the whole world. Look, now you see the rabbit in the hat, and now it is gone!"
Redneck girl: "That's nothing. My dad is the greatest magician! He disappears for a whole year and reappears at Christmas for a couple of hours!"
My classmate, Hailey Legacy.
Man: Aw man, I'm having a bad day.
Man's friend: Same.
Man: So why did you have a bad day? My brother got hit by the school bus.
Man's friend: I got fired as a bus driver.
Man: Oh great heavens!
My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"
Me: "Please...I need my...phone."
*opens twitter*
Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
My friend Enyaw is gay, she is a cunt.
Who's in my ass?
Your sister.