My jokes

I always wear Puma, put my balls in your mouth.

"Sigma" - By every boy in my class.

My ceiling isn't the best... But it's up there!

Me: The man sleeped in a $200 bed in His hole life so why dose he need a $2,000 coffin?

My friend: They're cheaper at Costco.

Me: Oh shit, you're going to have "fun" this weekend.

What's the difference between me and my mate...

I left my dad, while hers left with their friend Cancer.

My sexlife xddddddddd

My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."

So I said, "Okay."

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.

My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice. I called it "cold hard cash."

Recently I visited a restaurant in Crotone. When I was done eating, I told the waitress I was “Penaldo” with my food. She instantly knew that I was finished with my food.

A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

Little Johnny was playing with dick when his teacher walked in the room. She asked him what he was doing, he said Im doing my homework. The teacher saw how big his cock was and asked him to have sex with her. He willingly did so. Little johnny was already 25 so it didn't matter. The only thing was that he was homeschooled.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, In every step you take, My support stays true.

I was playing FIFA and out of nowhere the game glitched during a penalty shootout.

Pionel Pessi appeared out of nowhere, took my pen and skied it. Thanks to him, I'm out of UCL and was sacked in Career Mode. Shame on you Pessi!😡😡😡😡

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

Pope Francis: "What is the hardest thing about nailing a young boy to a cross?"

"My penis."

One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."

My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"

Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!

Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?

A: My dad didn't beat cancer...

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.