My jokes

I wanted to play Fruit Ninja, but remembered I don’t have a phone. Guess I gotta draw fruit on my arm!

My mom once ate a full giant cheesecake, and we were walking to our flight back home, and she had to sh*t.

We were walking to the bathroom, and she full on [did it] in front of the carousel. She had a lump of poo in her pants... True story, haha!

Teacher's pen is RED, our pen is BLUE, she is marking an EGG on my marksheet, left with questions and no CLUE.

We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.

But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.

Question: Why does my teenage brother wear a cape to bed?

Answer: Because he can't sleep in his race car bed...

My dad died in 9/11... He was the best pilot I know.

What’s the difference between a pile of babies and a Tesla?

I don’t have a Tesla in my garage.

My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.

Deku: Hey Todoroki, are you done with your Halloween costume?

Todoroki: Yes. *comes out in a macaroni outfit*

Deku: Wha- I'm todoroni.

Bakugo: OMFG, I'm out! *blows up UA*

I'd tell you a joke about my boyfriend's dick, but it's a private joke.

My friend nearly drowned in her bowl of muesli the other day. She was pulled in by a strong "currant."

I think about my life, and then I think about death. I prefer death. If you ask me, life is just a time when you die. Basically, death is life, meaningless 0-0.

Me: I need a good roast.

My friend: Take me!

I was in Afghanistan and I had been captured by the Taliban. I was going to get the death penalty.

Suddenly a man came out of nowhere and offered to take the penalty. It was my idolo Penaldo. He missed the penalty. Now I will die. Shame on u Penaldo!

Teacher said, "You never do your homework," so I shot her 7 times with a M1 BushDid911 and replied, "It's all in my backpack, can you grade it please?"

My grandpa was the best soldier ever. He gunned down over 100 soldiers in his bunker during D-Day.

I’ll never forget my dad’s last words. “Erase my search history, son.”

I wish I knew life, but my dad said it was a mistake to begin with.

What makes laissez-faire and a gangbang the same?

Not my problem.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.

Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.