My jokes
My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."
I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well."
My brother said, "You want a cookie?"
What did the computer say when it was tired of the user?
Kiss my ASCII!
I was outside digging a six-foot hole when I found a treasure box with jewels and shiny gems! I almost went inside to tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging the hole.
Yo mama must be a giant, 'cause my Mini P.E.K.K.A. goes berserk on her!
My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. I probably should've stopped when I got to her.
What’s the difference between my sister-in-law and a driveway?
I pull out of the driveway.
What did Jesus say when he was left hanging on the cross?
"Well this is one hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation!"
Boy goes to Confession.
Boy: "What are you doing, Father?"
Priest: "It's called masturbation, and soon you will be doing it."
Boy: "Why do you say that, Father?"
Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired!"
-not my joke
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.
My mom told me a joke about boxing.
I guess I missed the punch line.
Banker: I have the right to take your money!
Me: Check my name.
Banker: Robin D. Bank, why?
Banker: *realizes*
Me: 😈🖐️ Gimme, gimme.
My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.
What is my favorite thing about my grandpa?
His life insurance.
My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.
My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I was going to make a depressing joke, but my parents already did.
What's the last thing Asians hear from their parents?
"My money is my money. Your money is my money. Your wife's money is my money. Always remember that, son."
Yo mama so ugly,
my screen cracked when she took her photo!