My jokes

The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"

I told her my mum told me to go to hell.

Bill Cosby on rape: "But, I heard, 'my body, my choice.'"

To Tina: Hi, love, you're my oldest and dearest friend. I will love you for as long as I live. I luvv you so much, my sweetest, dearest darling.

I popped some fireworks and told my Vietnamese grandfather that World War 3 started.

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That’s a big word for a six-year-old.

I was crying at school, telling my friends my grandpa died. And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

My father touched me yesterday. I called him a priest.

Knock knock. Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald my Halloween candy and now it's stuck in my throat!

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

My uncle died in the 9/11 attacks. He was the best pilot I had ever met.

Your teeth are so spread out my mom can drive her car through the gap in your teeth.

My fucking balls hurt so god damn bad, oh my god!

My sister is so stupid, she thought LBJ was Spanish for blowjob.

Katie Price's answer for everything is darkness.

She isn't a dull person, but playing eye spy with my little eye with Harvey is just way too easy.

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?

My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.

So, there was a male whale and a female whale swimming through the ocean. One day the male whale sees a ship and says, "That's the ship that killed my parents!" So they go to the ship and blow the ship over and throw the men overboard into the sea.

The male whale sees the man who killed his parents and he was still alive, so he opened his mouth and went for the man, but out of nowhere the female whale yells, "Hey!! I was in it for the blowjob, but I'm not gonna eat seamen!"

My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."

I said, "You wanna bet?"

Bam, a gunshot!

I don't fuck my mother all day long. I fuck my mother for only 6 hours a day. Sometimes it's 7-8 hours. It depends on how busy my siblings and father are with their work.

My mom said she would miss me if I committed suicide, so we made it double.

My dads just like my eggs... runny. 🤣😭🥺