My jokes

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

My boss told me I have a preoccupation with vengeance... We'll see about that!

Are you a sports car? Because you give my heart quite a rush!

What is my favorite thing about my grandpa?

His life insurance.

I used to be a baker, but I decided to quit my job and stick my dough inside WOMEN’S bakeries.

I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well."

My brother said, "You want a cookie?"

I love you, Explain Bear. Please bear my children.

I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.

It's my New Year's resolution.

I'm 43 and my date is 19. A man rudely comes up to our table and calls me a pedophile. I told him to fuck off, this is our 10th anniversary.

An American mother has 3 children. The first child asked his mum: "Why is my sister called Crazy Horse and my brother Rushing Water?"

Mum: "Because those were the first thing I saw after i gave birth to them. Why are you asking all these questions, two dogs fucking?"

What is black, white, and red all over?

My third wife.

What's hard about walking through a bunch of dead babies?

My dick.

Fila is a cool brand. I fill a cock in my ass.

My teacher asked me what my favorite number was yesterday, and I said 2977. I chose 91 for my football jersey number and Sharpied a 1 after the other 1, and my teacher Mr. Jackson's dad died in 9/11, and when he was talking about it Friday the 9th, I threw a paper airplane at him and got suspended for 3 days starting Monday.

One day, a kid walks up to their mom and asks, "Why is my name Daisy?" The mom's reply is, "Because when you were born, a daisy landed on your head." The second kid asks, "Why is my name Butterfly?" The mom's reply is, "Because when you were born, a butterfly landed on your head." Then you hear, "Ooooooooohahbfisbfsdkf."

"Shut up, Brick!"

One day my dog died because we couldn't find him. Then we got a cat on the same day. Then my cat went missing, and when I was crying, we heard our Asian neighbor was having a party. Then we went over and I saw my dog and cat on the grill, and they ate them in front of me, saying "yum yum doggy in my tummy and cat in my tummy as well."

What’s the difference between a baby and a refrigerator?

The refrigerator doesn’t squeal when I put my meat in it.

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.