My jokes

Can't have a smoke with my girl after sex, she's asthmatic.

Plus, she's too young to smoke.

Your hairline is so far back that my father couldn't even reach the store in time before it grew!

Don't tell me I haven't got balls. I just happen to wear mine on my chest, and I can guarantee they're a lot bigger than yours!

Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.

*at school*

Nobody: Do you want nuts?

Me: Wait, you have some?

Nobody: Yeah, they're my own.

Me: :0

I want your cock in my rock bottom.

My family is lucky I was born so smart. Every time my Dad is struggling at work, he always turns to me when he needs to get ahead.

Popular girl: Sorry I'm late.

Teacher: Why are you late!

Girl: I need my beauty sleep.

Nerd: Well, you might need to hibernate because you ain't pretty.

I broke my arm yesterday. My bro said it is Arm-ageddon, and I still don’t know why.

My girlfriend calling me: I'm home alone ;)

Me: I know, you always are...

My girlfriend called me a pedophile. That's a big word for a six-year-old.

As an honest Penaldo fan, I have to admit he is a penalty merchant. He can only score against farmer teams like Spezia. He never shows up against great teams like Barcelona.

I've come to realize my hero Penaldo will never be better than Messi. My idol Penaldo is sadly finished.

One of my students asks, "Can I have a bookmark?"

A year of school and they still don't know my name is Danny.

My girlfriend asked me whether I was having sex behind her back, and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

My Wi-Fi must be Kobe, because it crashed hard.

I rang my boss and said, "I’m really sick. I won’t be coming into work." My boss said, "Davo, you're sick again! Really! Just how sick are you now?" I replied, "Well, I’m in bed with my sister!"

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.

What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?

Breathing exercises.

I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!

My friend was in a wheelchair, so I rolled him in fire. Now I call him Hot Wheels.

I asked an orphan where his mom was. He started crying, so I said it again.

And well, that was my last day at the orphanage.