My jokes

Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...

So I left my mom with my baby, and I was terrified when I came back; the wheelchair was in the water.

I went down to my fridge to grab my dinner. I said to the children, "Who's next?"

I broke my arm yesterday. My bro said it is Arm-ageddon, and I still don’t know why.

Let's say I was immortal. No matter what I did, I would be alive. But, the catch is I’m the least flexible and least strong person in the world.

Now, I get my head chopped off. What would I do? I would roll over to my headless body and figure out what it's like to suck my own dick.

Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.

My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort."

Kid: My parents want to meet you, you wanna come over?

Orphan: Na, I'm good. I'm going to watch Home Alone. It's the only movie that I can think of that's related to me.

Snake one: Are we venomous?

Snake two: Yep!... Why do you ask?

Snake one: Cuz I just bit my tongue!!! (Drama scene)

BFF: Dude, come over to my house right now!

Me: What? No way, it's 2:58 AM.

BFF: But I just found my brother's secret stash of Oreos!

Me: I'll be over in 5 minutes.

Roses are red and violets are blue, my best friend is Sue, and she's blue, too.

(meaning sad)

Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.

My dumb ass thinking I made a friend, oh ya, I forgot, literally nobody likes me!

Ok, this is a texting joke. This isn't my joke; I found it on Google.

Mom: SON YOURE G-MOM JUST PASSED AWAY lol

Son: Mom, how is that funny?!?! I hope you're not laughing!

Mom: OH NO I THOUGHT LOL MEANT LAUGHING OUT LOUD

I painted my dad white so he wouldn’t leave.

I'll never forget my aunt's last words before she died: "Can you stop shaking the ladder, please?"

What did the tree say when it gets horny? My wood has a splinter.

I take all my anger out on orphans. Why?

Because they have no parents to run to.

Mom: They say our kid neighbor has blue blood.

Son: Really?

Also 2 hours later:

Son: Mom, the kid doesn't have blue blood.

Mom: Son, I-

I used to have a skeleton of jokes, now my supply is bone dry. Guess I wasn’t that femurous.