My jokes

My parents love me.

One time my friend nutted into my bag of trail mix.

I guess you could say I fucking ate a different kind of nut.

My eggcellent egg yolks crack everyone up.

If you don't like them, you're just hard boiled.

It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.

I have a dead fish in my lunchbox.

(To a thief) If you like taking things, how about you take my life?

My enemy told me I’m adopted, so I told him at least I got adopted.

Are you my homework because I’m supposed to be doing you right now, but I’m not.

My name says it all.

My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.

My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"

"Islam it is."

What has ten children crying, naked, and screaming for their parents?

My big green pedo machine.

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.

He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

What's the difference between a dead baby in my trash can and a discarded sex toy?

...

I'm still trying to think of an answer.

I like my men like I like my Alexa:

By my bed and turned on.

My username good.

I walked into an orphanage and asked a kid why they were crying.

They said: "Because I lost my parents."

I said: "Let's find them."

They cried harder, so I walked out of the orphanage.

Good afternoon. My name is Russell, and I am a wilderness explorer of Tribe 54, Sweat Lodge 12. Are you in need of any assistance today, sir?

I was gonna clean my room

before I got high.

My uncle died on 9/11. At least he died doing what he loved, flying planes.