My jokes

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.

He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

What's the difference between a dead baby in my trash can and a discarded sex toy?

...

I'm still trying to think of an answer.

I like my men like I like my Alexa:

By my bed and turned on.

My username good.

I walked into an orphanage and asked a kid why they were crying.

They said: "Because I lost my parents."

I said: "Let's find them."

They cried harder, so I walked out of the orphanage.

"Are you my homework? Because I want to slam you on my desk and do you all night."

My grandpa's last words were, "Why is there a body in my kitchen?"

No witnesses.

Roses are red, my blood is too, And I've been seeing it a lot more, since I've lost you.

I love my dog!

Guy is at athletic meet. Asks guy if he is a pole vaulter.

He replies, "No I am German and how did you know my name was Walter?"

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.

He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.

A stone’s throw away, in fact.

Evan, yo mum rode on my big PP love, dad.

I was gonna clean my room

before I got high.

Good afternoon. My name is Russell, and I am a wilderness explorer of Tribe 54, Sweat Lodge 12. Are you in need of any assistance today, sir?

A woman prayed to be a mother everyday for many years until she crossed a road without looking and got hit by a woman driver and died.

When she met God, she asked Him, "How come you didn't answer my prayers?"

God replied, "I did. I kept sending men to rape you, but you kept on choosing to destroy my creations by having an abortion."

My friend was annoying me with bird puns. I realized toucan play at this game.

What’s the difference between cancer and my abusive stepdad?

My stepdad did beat cancer.

I was crying while my dad was cutting onions in the kitchen. Onions was such a good dog.

My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?

My name is Jafar. I come from afar. There's a bomb in my car. Allahu Akbar!