My jokes

My penis is big and long, what else is... my condom... cucumber.

I'm not saying I'm ugly...

But when I'm watching porn, the hot, sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.

Oh, you just got owned, like my ancestors.

My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.

Chuck Norris is the only man that ever had sex with my wife and survived. Oh, how did I survive?

Fortunately, being her husband, I was the one person she wasn't fucking.

Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.

If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.

Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.

You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!

Just give me my money (clap clap clap).

I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.

It's my New Year's resolution.

My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen.

He was charged for impersonating a police officer.

Q: What's red during puberty?

A: The blood on my hands.

I used to be a baker, but I decided to quit my job and stick my dough inside WOMEN’S bakeries.

I might not be able to make my bed, but at least I can get out of it.

Roses are red, violets are blue, don't look in my backyard, or I will come for you.

What is my most popular side of myself?

Suicide.

What do my mom and a basketball have in common?

My mom's tits and ass are bouncy, just like a basketball.

My mom gave my friend a blow job for good luck on his job interview, then my mom gave my other friend a blow job for his interview, and they both got the job. Now who needs good luck? Just ask my mom. My mom is a good luck charm.

Did you hear about the guy that was cutting off people's feet and taking them?

It took my sole.