My jokes

Woman gets pulled over by a cop.

Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"

Lady: "No, officer."

Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"

Lady: "Just water, officer."

Cop: "Looks like wine to me."

Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"

My stepdad has stage 4 cancer and is going through chemotherapy... at least he saves money on shampoo and conditioner.

My friend said they were going to make a comeback. I told them to do it at the back of the throat.

I asked my class what comes before 47. Everyone said 46, except for the quiet kid who said, "AK."

My brother when he sees a girl.

My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.

I'm back and wearing dead whites who are killing whites from Eastern Europe on me. Shout out my boy russia and Ukraine, they all are evil just like USA and China and the rest of the west!

I'm a pilot and my boss told me to fly people to New York, so I flew them to New York and hit the towers. That was a tragic story.

I be ready to commit suicide.

But when it comes to jumping out my window, I'm scared ash.

My Friend Evan: What happens if the voice inside your head is your soulmate?

Me: Then my soulmate is a F_cking A__hole.

I still remember my grandpa's last words.

"Stop shaking the damn ladder!"

Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...

Sometimes when I think I'm ugly, I just think of my sister and it makes me feel better.

So I left my mom with my baby, and I was terrified when I came back; the wheelchair was in the water.

Roses are red, violets are blue, like my hole, Uncle Bill is making me full, better run here he comes!

My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort."

There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.

I went down to my fridge to grab my dinner. I said to the children, "Who's next?"

I hear you like funny people. In fact, my whole life's a joke!

Roses are red, My c0ck is blue, Oh shit, what happened to you?