My jokes
"I spy with my little eye..."
- Noting I am blind -
So, you're human, huh? Well, I'm a skeleton, so not much gets under my skin.
Did you hear about the guy that was cutting off people's feet and taking them?
It took my sole.
The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.
My mom said, "You are in big trouble!"
I said, "Are you going to punish me?"
Stormtrooper: What should I do about my overdue library book?
Palpatine: Renew it!
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Big tits.
A skeleton walks into the hospital and said: "Doctor, Doctor, I broke my leg!" The doctor said: "I see..."
What’s the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus?
They’re both saying “Oh my god my mom’s gonna kill me!”
One day, I put a lady taffy on my ass.
What did the computer say when it was tired of the user?
Kiss my ASCII!
I might not be able to make my bed, but at least I can get out of it.
My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.
Chuck Norris is the only man that ever had sex with my wife and survived. Oh, how did I survive?
Fortunately, being her husband, I was the one person she wasn't fucking.
Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.
Celebrating Mother's Day is confusing, says my cousin.
My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."
Yo mama must be a giant, 'cause my Mini P.E.K.K.A. goes berserk on her!
Woman gets pulled over by a cop.
Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"
Lady: "No, officer."
Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"
Lady: "Just water, officer."
Cop: "Looks like wine to me."
Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.