My jokes

What did the tree say when it gets horny? My wood has a splinter.

*at school*

Nobody: Do you want nuts?

Me: Wait, you have some?

Nobody: Yeah, they're my own.

Me: :0

I awoke after being raped and was shocked to find my fingers were broken. It was hard to grasp.

My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.

My Wi-Fi must be Kobe, because it crashed hard.

Eat my ass!

My Friend Evan: What happens if the voice inside your head is your soulmate?

Me: Then my soulmate is a F_cking A__hole.

I still remember my grandpa's last words.

"Stop shaking the damn ladder!"

Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...

Sometimes when I think I'm ugly, I just think of my sister and it makes me feel better.

So I left my mom with my baby, and I was terrified when I came back; the wheelchair was in the water.

I hear you like funny people. In fact, my whole life's a joke!

Roses are red, My c0ck is blue, Oh shit, what happened to you?

Roses are red, violets are blue, like my hole, Uncle Bill is making me full, better run here he comes!

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile. That's a big word for a six-year-old.

One of my students asks, "Can I have a bookmark?"

A year of school and they still don't know my name is Danny.

My girlfriend calling me: I'm home alone ;)

Me: I know, you always are...

My friend was in a wheelchair, so I rolled him in fire. Now I call him Hot Wheels.

I rang my boss and said, "I’m really sick. I won’t be coming into work." My boss said, "Davo, you're sick again! Really! Just how sick are you now?" I replied, "Well, I’m in bed with my sister!"