My jokes

My dad told me a new version of a happy birthday song:

Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too!

No offense to anyone reading this on their birthday.

Let's say I was immortal. No matter what I did, I would be alive. But, the catch is I’m the least flexible and least strong person in the world.

Now, I get my head chopped off. What would I do? I would roll over to my headless body and figure out what it's like to suck my own dick.

Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.

There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.

Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...

My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort."

I went down to my fridge to grab my dinner. I said to the children, "Who's next?"

Roses are red and violets are blue, my best friend is Sue, and she's blue, too.

(meaning sad)

Kid: My parents want to meet you, you wanna come over?

Orphan: Na, I'm good. I'm going to watch Home Alone. It's the only movie that I can think of that's related to me.

Snake one: Are we venomous?

Snake two: Yep!... Why do you ask?

Snake one: Cuz I just bit my tongue!!! (Drama scene)

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Big tits.

The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.

Stormtrooper: What should I do about my overdue library book?

Palpatine: Renew it!

Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.

Mom: They say our kid neighbor has blue blood.

Son: Really?

Also 2 hours later:

Son: Mom, the kid doesn't have blue blood.

Mom: Son, I-

A skeleton walks into the hospital and said: "Doctor, Doctor, I broke my leg!" The doctor said: "I see..."

I love you, Explain Bear. Please bear my children.

Celebrating Mother's Day is confusing, says my cousin.

Are you a sports car? Because you give my heart quite a rush!

What did the cops say when someone called him racist?

"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."