My jokes
Let's say I was immortal. No matter what I did, I would be alive. But, the catch is I’m the least flexible and least strong person in the world.
Now, I get my head chopped off. What would I do? I would roll over to my headless body and figure out what it's like to suck my own dick.
Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.
Kid: My parents want to meet you, you wanna come over?
Orphan: Na, I'm good. I'm going to watch Home Alone. It's the only movie that I can think of that's related to me.
Snake one: Are we venomous?
Snake two: Yep!... Why do you ask?
Snake one: Cuz I just bit my tongue!!! (Drama scene)
Before my grandad died, he whispered to me, "Is your uncle still in the basement?" I said he has died. Oh, my grandad said, "I will lock him in heaven's basement."
Memes
BFF: Dude, come over to my house right now!
Me: What? No way, it's 2:58 AM.
BFF: But I just found my brother's secret stash of Oreos!
Me: I'll be over in 5 minutes.
I take all my anger out on orphans. Why?
Because they have no parents to run to.
A skeleton walks into the hospital and said: "Doctor, Doctor, I broke my leg!" The doctor said: "I see..."
I painted my dad white so he wouldn’t leave.
"I spy with my little eye..."
- Noting I am blind -
I used to have a skeleton of jokes, now my supply is bone dry. Guess I wasn’t that femurous.
My mom said, "You are in big trouble!"
I said, "Are you going to punish me?"
So, you're human, huh? Well, I'm a skeleton, so not much gets under my skin.
I'll never forget my aunt's last words before she died: "Can you stop shaking the ladder, please?"
My dumb ass thinking I made a friend, oh ya, I forgot, literally nobody likes me!
What did the tree say when it gets horny? My wood has a splinter.
Ok, this is a texting joke. This isn't my joke; I found it on Google.
Mom: SON YOURE G-MOM JUST PASSED AWAY lol
Son: Mom, how is that funny?!?! I hope you're not laughing!
Mom: OH NO I THOUGHT LOL MEANT LAUGHING OUT LOUD
Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.
Mom: They say our kid neighbor has blue blood.
Son: Really?
Also 2 hours later:
Son: Mom, the kid doesn't have blue blood.
Mom: Son, I-
Stormtrooper: What should I do about my overdue library book?
Palpatine: Renew it!