My jokes

My girlfriend asked me whether I was having sex behind her back, and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

My girlfriend calling me: I'm home alone ;)

Me: I know, you always are...

Don't tell me I haven't got balls. I just happen to wear mine on my chest, and I can guarantee they're a lot bigger than yours!

God = what I hope to be.

Devil = what I can't accept.

I hope to be like Jesus, a dead martyr. I can't accept that my religion is evil.

Once when I was 6, I had a massive crush on a girl in my grade. She liked me too, and we kissed under a tree.

Next day, same spot, but now she's pregnant. That stupid dad stole my girl!

One more 360 noscope for my montage.

My Grandpa was supposed to be in 9/11, but airport security got him.

I wish my hair was emo so it would cut itself.

Your hairline is so far back that my father couldn't even reach the store in time before it grew!

Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.

Can't have a smoke with my girl after sex, she's asthmatic.

Plus, she's too young to smoke.

My Wi-Fi must be Kobe, because it crashed hard.

Eat my ass!

My Friend Evan: What happens if the voice inside your head is your soulmate?

Me: Then my soulmate is a F_cking A__hole.

Sometimes when I think I'm ugly, I just think of my sister and it makes me feel better.

I hear you like funny people. In fact, my whole life's a joke!

Roses are red, violets are blue, like my hole, Uncle Bill is making me full, better run here he comes!

Roses are red, My c0ck is blue, Oh shit, what happened to you?

There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.

I still remember my grandpa's last words.

"Stop shaking the damn ladder!"