My jokes

I told my friends that are gay that my hairline's straighter than he will ever be.

You shouldn't joke about 9/11. My grampa died on 9/11. He was the best pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.

Me: Knock knock.

My Grandma: Who’s there?

Me: Interrupting cow.

My Grandma: Interrupting c-

[Dies from heart attack]

I sold my vacuum the other day.

All I got was dust and my mom's wig.

Can't have a smoke with my girl after sex, she's asthmatic.

Plus, she's too young to smoke.

I was fuming when I lost my job as a window cleaner, like who built the Twin Towers anyway?

Why do pirates say, "Argh my Hardees?"

Because that's how you tell when they have the hards.

I like my girls like my coffee: Flat and white.

How many people can you fit in a car?

6 - 3 in the back, 2 in the front, and my nan in the ashtray.

A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum and yells: "Who the fuck fucked my wife?"

Everybody is silent for a second, then the bartender said: "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets!"

I, for one, give President Joe Biden my full support, and anything else he can find in my previously rented gym locker. 🤣

I beat up my twin friends with a plane.

My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.

Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.

I'm a pilot and my boss told me to fly people to New York, so I flew them to New York and hit the towers. That was a tragic story.

I be ready to commit suicide.

But when it comes to jumping out my window, I'm scared ash.

*at school*

Nobody: Do you want nuts?

Me: Wait, you have some?

Nobody: Yeah, they're my own.

Me: :0

I awoke after being raped and was shocked to find my fingers were broken. It was hard to grasp.

My brother when he sees a girl.

I want your cock in my rock bottom.