My jokes

Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.

Eat my ass!

My Wi-Fi must be Kobe, because it crashed hard.

There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.

I still remember my grandpa's last words.

"Stop shaking the damn ladder!"

My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort."

I went down to my fridge to grab my dinner. I said to the children, "Who's next?"

My girlfriend calling me: I'm home alone ;)

Me: I know, you always are...

As an honest Penaldo fan, I have to admit he is a penalty merchant. He can only score against farmer teams like Spezia. He never shows up against great teams like Barcelona.

I've come to realize my hero Penaldo will never be better than Messi. My idol Penaldo is sadly finished.

One of my students asks, "Can I have a bookmark?"

A year of school and they still don't know my name is Danny.

I asked an orphan where his mom was. He started crying, so I said it again.

And well, that was my last day at the orphanage.

My girlfriend asked me whether I was having sex behind her back, and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

I broke my arm yesterday. My bro said it is Arm-ageddon, and I still don’t know why.

I like my girls like my coffee: Flat and white.

Popular girl: Sorry I'm late.

Teacher: Why are you late!

Girl: I need my beauty sleep.

Nerd: Well, you might need to hibernate because you ain't pretty.

How many people can you fit in a car?

6 - 3 in the back, 2 in the front, and my nan in the ashtray.

My friend was in a wheelchair, so I rolled him in fire. Now I call him Hot Wheels.

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.

I rang my boss and said, "I’m really sick. I won’t be coming into work." My boss said, "Davo, you're sick again! Really! Just how sick are you now?" I replied, "Well, I’m in bed with my sister!"

My girlfriend called me a pedophile. That's a big word for a six-year-old.