My jokes
I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."
Banker: I have the right to take your money!
Me: Check my name.
Banker: Robin D. Bank, why?
Banker: *realizes*
Me: 😈🖐️ Gimme, gimme.
I was going to make a depressing joke, but my parents already did.
What did Jesus say when he was left hanging on the cross?
"Well this is one hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation!"
Are you a sports car? Because you give my heart quite a rush!
What is my favorite thing about my grandpa?
His life insurance.
Boy goes to Confession.
Boy: "What are you doing, Father?"
Priest: "It's called masturbation, and soon you will be doing it."
Boy: "Why do you say that, Father?"
Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired!"
-not my joke
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
The Twin Towers collapsed faster than my grandma did.
If you say "slay" in my comments I will follow all of you lmao who are signed in.
My ex-friends are depressed. Their names are Kaitlyn and Ava.
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.
My mom told me a joke about boxing.
I guess I missed the punch line.
My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.
My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.
What did the cops say when someone called him racist?
"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."
My boss told me I have a preoccupation with vengeance... We'll see about that!
My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen.
He was charged for impersonating a police officer.
Q: What's red during puberty?
A: The blood on my hands.
If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.
Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.