My jokes
I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well."
My brother said, "You want a cookie?"
My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen.
He was charged for impersonating a police officer.
Q: What's red during puberty?
A: The blood on my hands.
Boy goes to Confession.
Boy: "What are you doing, Father?"
Priest: "It's called masturbation, and soon you will be doing it."
Boy: "Why do you say that, Father?"
Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired!"
-not my joke
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.
My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.
My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.
What did the cops say when someone called him racist?
"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."
If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.
Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.
You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!
Just give me my money (clap clap clap).
A skeleton walks into the hospital and said: "Doctor, Doctor, I broke my leg!" The doctor said: "I see..."
What’s the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus?
They’re both saying “Oh my god my mom’s gonna kill me!”
Did you hear about the guy that was cutting off people's feet and taking them?
It took my sole.
One day, I put a lady taffy on my ass.
The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.
My mom said, "You are in big trouble!"
I said, "Are you going to punish me?"
Stormtrooper: What should I do about my overdue library book?
Palpatine: Renew it!
What did one snow ❄️ man say to itself? My arm is broken.
Skedaddle skedoodle, I'm gonna go beat my noodle.