My jokes

What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?

Breathing exercises.

I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!

Let's say I was immortal. No matter what I did, I would be alive. But, the catch is I’m the least flexible and least strong person in the world.

Now, I get my head chopped off. What would I do? I would roll over to my headless body and figure out what it's like to suck my own dick.

Kid: My parents want to meet you, you wanna come over?

Orphan: Na, I'm good. I'm going to watch Home Alone. It's the only movie that I can think of that's related to me.

Snake one: Are we venomous?

Snake two: Yep!... Why do you ask?

Snake one: Cuz I just bit my tongue!!! (Drama scene)

I'll never forget my aunt's last words before she died: "Can you stop shaking the ladder, please?"

Before my grandad died, he whispered to me, "Is your uncle still in the basement?" I said he has died. Oh, my grandad said, "I will lock him in heaven's basement."

BFF: Dude, come over to my house right now!

Me: What? No way, it's 2:58 AM.

BFF: But I just found my brother's secret stash of Oreos!

Me: I'll be over in 5 minutes.

So, you're human, huh? Well, I'm a skeleton, so not much gets under my skin.

Ok, this is a texting joke. This isn't my joke; I found it on Google.

Mom: SON YOURE G-MOM JUST PASSED AWAY lol

Son: Mom, how is that funny?!?! I hope you're not laughing!

Mom: OH NO I THOUGHT LOL MEANT LAUGHING OUT LOUD

My dumb ass thinking I made a friend, oh ya, I forgot, literally nobody likes me!

What did the tree say when it gets horny? My wood has a splinter.

I take all my anger out on orphans. Why?

Because they have no parents to run to.

I painted my dad white so he wouldn’t leave.

"I spy with my little eye..."

- Noting I am blind -

Mom: They say our kid neighbor has blue blood.

Son: Really?

Also 2 hours later:

Son: Mom, the kid doesn't have blue blood.

Mom: Son, I-

I used to have a skeleton of jokes, now my supply is bone dry. Guess I wasn’t that femurous.

A skeleton walks into the hospital and said: "Doctor, Doctor, I broke my leg!" The doctor said: "I see..."

Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.

I told my mom I'm happy and she said: "I didn't know you were gay."

My mom told me a joke about boxing.

I guess I missed the punch line.