My jokes

The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?

Who wants to be my boyfriend?

my therapist says with time all wounds can heal.

So I stabbed him. Now we wait.

What’s the difference between 80 dead babies and a Lambo? I don’t have a Lambo in my garage.

My wife still misses me... But her aim is getting better!

Me and my friend were roasting each other. She said, "You look like a Reese's cup." I replied, "You're so old, your pubic hairs are 50 shades of gray."

I saw a pretty girl walking outside. I asked for her number.

We met up and began to have sex. She told me to turn over, which was weird. I felt a stinging pain in my ass all of a sudden.

Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.

I’ll never forget my dad’s last words. “Erase my search history, son.”

There was an Indian riding in the desert when he saw a little blond-haired white girl up ahead. He heard her crying. So he went up to her and climbed down from his horse and asked her, "Hey, what’s going on? Why are you crying? Where are your parents? What happened?"

The girl said in a crying, sad voice, "The bandidos came, killed my father, my brothers, then my mother, and raped my sister."

The Indian just laughed, untied and dropped his breechcloth, then said, “Guess this isn’t your day, is it?”

Thank the Lord for my two huge balls!

Anyone else on here looking at depressing jokes to make themselves feel better? Not that it's working, but it's nice to know that I'm not alone. Well, enough with the sob story, I gotta go get my razors. See ya in the long run.

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.

My face.

The Mexican landscaper came to cut our lawn. My mom was happy then asked him, "Can I have some of your burrito?" He said, "Yeah." I said, "Whatever."

A few minutes later, my mom told me to cut the lawn. I said, "Why do I have to do it? That's what he's there for." My mom said, "He's going to do the burrito for me." Then I said, "Okay." I finished cutting the lawn and went in the house. I see my mom giving the landscaper a blow job. I said to my mom, "What are you doing?" My mom said, "What does it look like? I'm having my burrito." The landscaper told me that I missed a spot while cutting the lawn.

Sometimes my battery life has the same recognition as me :(

Come on guys, please let's play Roblox. My name is xX_robloxGamer420Po_Xx.

Adopted kid:

Hey, Alex, what are you doing?

Alex:

Nothing, just playing my game. Anyways, you know you can call me "dad."

Adopted kid:

OK, dad Alex.

Alex:

Oh, come on! My game! I’m winning. Let’s go!

Adopted kid:

I’m so glad I have a mom.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.

I lost the case.

I wish my grass was emo, then it would cut itself.