My jokes

My family is lucky I was born so smart. Every time my Dad is struggling at work, he always turns to me when he needs to get ahead.

My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort."

My friend said they were going to make a comeback. I told them to do it at the back of the throat.

I was digging in my backyard and found a chest of coins. I wanted to run inside and tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging in the backyard.

Someone stole my balls :(

Roses are red, violets are blue, like my hole, Uncle Bill is making me full, better run here he comes!

Eat my ass!

My Friend Evan: What happens if the voice inside your head is your soulmate?

Me: Then my soulmate is a F_cking A__hole.

I asked my class what comes before 47. Everyone said 46, except for the quiet kid who said, "AK."

I'm back and wearing dead whites who are killing whites from Eastern Europe on me. Shout out my boy russia and Ukraine, they all are evil just like USA and China and the rest of the west!

My stepdad has stage 4 cancer and is going through chemotherapy... at least he saves money on shampoo and conditioner.

My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot Pakistan has ever seen, Allahu Akbar!

I took my son to a driver's school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident."

(I gotta go pay him out of jail!)

My fitness guru said that if I got raped, it would help me in future marathons.

I hope Stephen Hawking was an organ donor, 'cause I need some parts for my go-cart.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Woman gets pulled over by a cop.

Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"

Lady: "No, officer."

Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"

Lady: "Just water, officer."

Cop: "Looks like wine to me."

Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"

I might not be able to make my bed, but at least I can get out of it.

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.

My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.