My jokes

If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.

Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.

I used to be a baker, but I decided to quit my job and stick my dough inside WOMEN’S bakeries.

My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."

Just give me my money (clap clap clap).

What do you call a person with a flip flop?

My dad.

So, I was at the gas station drinking a Slurpee when I heard an old lady start talking to me. She says, "Hey, can you check my balance?" so she could buy a chocolate bar.

So, I pushed her over and said, "Not much."

What’s the difference between my sister-in-law and a driveway?

I pull out of the driveway.

What did the computer say when it was tired of the user?

Kiss my ASCII!

I thought about learning skydiving without having to afford gear. But the highest place I got is my apartment window.

My lesbian friends bought me a gold timepiece for my birthday.

But, I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch!"

Bro sat down too close for comfort. I told him to move or he would get hurt.

Come on, how hard could it possibly be To move a few inches? You’re touching my D.

A guy really needs his personal space. Disobey and I’ll shove it in your face.

Yo mama must be a giant, 'cause my Mini P.E.K.K.A. goes berserk on her!

I might not be able to make my bed, but at least I can get out of it.

My penis is big and long, what else is... my condom... cucumber.

What is my favorite thing about my grandpa?

His life insurance.

Celebrating Mother's Day is confusing, says my cousin.

Roses are red, violets are blue, don't look in my backyard, or I will come for you.

Yo mama so ugly,

my screen cracked when she took her photo!

I was going to make a depressing joke, but my parents already did.

What's the last thing Asians hear from their parents?

"My money is my money. Your money is my money. Your wife's money is my money. Always remember that, son."