My jokes

There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.

I like my girls like my coffee: Flat and white.

Don't tell me I haven't got balls. I just happen to wear mine on my chest, and I can guarantee they're a lot bigger than yours!

God = what I hope to be.

Devil = what I can't accept.

I hope to be like Jesus, a dead martyr. I can't accept that my religion is evil.

Me and a wheelchair person were playing tag, and I broke my leg so it can be fair for him.

Battery 1%.

I take one last look at Earth as my suit runs out of power.

You shouldn't joke about 9/11. My grampa died on 9/11. He was the best pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.

Me: Knock knock.

My Grandma: Who’s there?

Me: Interrupting cow.

My Grandma: Interrupting c-

[Dies from heart attack]

I sold my vacuum the other day.

All I got was dust and my mom's wig.

Your hairline is so far back that my father couldn't even reach the store in time before it grew!

I told my friends that are gay that my hairline's straighter than he will ever be.

Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.

Can't have a smoke with my girl after sex, she's asthmatic.

Plus, she's too young to smoke.

Once when I was 6, I had a massive crush on a girl in my grade. She liked me too, and we kissed under a tree.

Next day, same spot, but now she's pregnant. That stupid dad stole my girl!

One more 360 noscope for my montage.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest with a rabid wolf.

Popular girl: Sorry I'm late.

Teacher: Why are you late!

Girl: I need my beauty sleep.

Nerd: Well, you might need to hibernate because you ain't pretty.

How many people can you fit in a car?

6 - 3 in the back, 2 in the front, and my nan in the ashtray.

A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum and yells: "Who the fuck fucked my wife?"

Everybody is silent for a second, then the bartender said: "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets!"

I, for one, give President Joe Biden my full support, and anything else he can find in my previously rented gym locker. 🤣