My jokes

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, Father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation, and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, Father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired!"

-not my joke

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.

My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

Banker: I have the right to take your money!

Me: Check my name.

Banker: Robin D. Bank, why?

Banker: *realizes*

Me: 😈🖐️ Gimme, gimme.

Are you a sports car? Because you give my heart quite a rush!

My mom told me a joke about boxing.

I guess I missed the punch line.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

I told my mom I'm happy and she said: "I didn't know you were gay."

Celebrating Mother's Day is confusing, says my cousin.

Your hairline is so far back that my father couldn't even reach the store in time before it grew!

Don't tell me I haven't got balls. I just happen to wear mine on my chest, and I can guarantee they're a lot bigger than yours!

My Grandpa was supposed to be in 9/11, but airport security got him.

God = what I hope to be.

Devil = what I can't accept.

I hope to be like Jesus, a dead martyr. I can't accept that my religion is evil.

The Twin Towers collapsed faster than my grandma did.

One more 360 noscope for my montage.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest with a rabid wolf.

Battery 1%.

I take one last look at Earth as my suit runs out of power.

Once when I was 6, I had a massive crush on a girl in my grade. She liked me too, and we kissed under a tree.

Next day, same spot, but now she's pregnant. That stupid dad stole my girl!

Me and a wheelchair person were playing tag, and I broke my leg so it can be fair for him.