My Jokes

I went down to my fridge to grab my dinner. I said to the children, "Who's next?"

My girlfriend calling me: I'm home alone ;)

Me: I know, you always are...

As an honest Penaldo fan, I have to admit he is a penalty merchant. He can only score against farmer teams like Spezia. He never shows up against great teams like Barcelona.

I've come to realize my hero Penaldo will never be better than Messi. My idol Penaldo is sadly finished.

One of my students asks, "Can I have a bookmark?"

A year of school and they still don't know my name is Danny.

I asked an orphan where his mom was. He started crying, so I said it again.

And well, that was my last day at the orphanage.

The meme shows two images, one for extroverts and one for introverts. The image for extroverts shows a smiling person with the text "Extroverts be like: Get out of your comfort zone." The image for introverts shows a crying person with the text "Introverts be like: Please get out of my comfort zone."

My girlfriend asked me whether I was having sex behind her back, and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

I broke my arm yesterday. My bro said it is Arm-ageddon, and I still don’t know why.

I like my girls like my coffee: Flat and white.

Popular girl: Sorry I'm late.

Teacher: Why are you late!

Girl: I need my beauty sleep.

Nerd: Well, you might need to hibernate because you ain't pretty.

How many people can you fit in a car?

6 - 3 in the back, 2 in the front, and my nan in the ashtray.

My friend was in a wheelchair, so I rolled him in fire. Now I call him Hot Wheels.

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.

I rang my boss and said, "I’m really sick. I won’t be coming into work." My boss said, "Davo, you're sick again! Really! Just how sick are you now?" I replied, "Well, I’m in bed with my sister!"

My girlfriend called me a pedophile. That's a big word for a six-year-old.

What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?

Breathing exercises.

I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!

Let's say I was immortal. No matter what I did, I would be alive. But, the catch is I’m the least flexible and least strong person in the world.

Now, I get my head chopped off. What would I do? I would roll over to my headless body and figure out what it's like to suck my own dick.

Kid: My parents want to meet you, you wanna come over?

Orphan: Na, I'm good. I'm going to watch Home Alone. It's the only movie that I can think of that's related to me.

Snake one: Are we venomous?

Snake two: Yep!... Why do you ask?

Snake one: Cuz I just bit my tongue!!! (Drama scene)

I'll never forget my aunt's last words before she died: "Can you stop shaking the ladder, please?"

Before my grandad died, he whispered to me, "Is your uncle still in the basement?" I said he has died. Oh, my grandad said, "I will lock him in heaven's basement."