My jokes
What’s the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus?
They’re both saying “Oh my god my mom’s gonna kill me!”
Celebrating Mother's Day is confusing, says my cousin.
Banker: I have the right to take your money!
Me: Check my name.
Banker: Robin D. Bank, why?
Banker: *realizes*
Me: 😈🖐️ Gimme, gimme.
Roses are red, violets are blue, don't look in my backyard, or I will come for you.
Yo mama so ugly,
my screen cracked when she took her photo!
Memes
I was going to make a depressing joke, but my parents already did.
What's the last thing Asians hear from their parents?
"My money is my money. Your money is my money. Your wife's money is my money. Always remember that, son."
What do my mom and a basketball have in common?
My mom's tits and ass are bouncy, just like a basketball.
My mom gave my friend a blow job for good luck on his job interview, then my mom gave my other friend a blow job for his interview, and they both got the job. Now who needs good luck? Just ask my mom. My mom is a good luck charm.
I'm not saying I'm ugly...
But when I'm watching porn, the hot, sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.
What is my most popular side of myself?
Suicide.
You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!
Just give me my money (clap clap clap).
My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."
What did the cops say when someone called him racist?
"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."
If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.
Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
I might not be able to make my bed, but at least I can get out of it.
My penis is big and long, what else is... my condom... cucumber.
Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.