My jokes

Me and my friend roasting each other.

Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.

Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.

I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. I was sitting in the back of the movie theater, where no one was. Suddenly, she was sitting in front of me with some guy she was hugging. I was furious. I couldn't stay there anymore, so her friend and I had to finish it in the toilet.

My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

My boyfriend accused me of cheating. I told him he reminded me of my girlfriend.

I caught my wife having s*x with another guy.

The other day I started watching Game of Thrones.

I told my friend about it. Told him all about the violence, murder, decapitation, gore, sex, gay sex, midget sex, prostitution, rape, paedophilia, incest, and inbreeding... And he was like: "Oh, so you're still on the first episode then?"

My dad and I were playing hide and seek. I still haven’t found him. It’s been 15 years.

My dick actually destroyed the Death Star.

My dick is hard, what's your name?

I was bulimic but I gave it up.

It just left a bad taste in my mouth.

My ex keeps missing me. But her aim is steadily improving...

So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.

So my best friend’s boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.

So I told her a ‘single’ joke. Then she said, "Go and f***ing die, you insensitive bitch!"

I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF I will break his body for you. Happy now?"

She said, "Sniff, yes."

Male Patient: So, I just pull my pants down and bend over for this prostate exam?

Doctor: Yep.

Male Patient: Ok, I'm ready. Hey! That doesn't feel like a finger.

Doctor: Yep, and I'm not even a doctor.

"Kidnapping is just surprise adoption, congrats! You are now all my children! Just hop into the portal that leads to the Lust Ring in Hell!"

Hi, I'm Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are hee/hee.

Why did my mouth say no to butt? Because that would be too much sex.

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

More than five because my basement is still dark.

What's the difference between milk and my dad?

Nothing, I apparently am allergic to both because I never see either of them.