My jokes

Just give me my money (clap clap clap).

My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."

What did the cops say when someone called him racist?

"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."

If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.

Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I might not be able to make my bed, but at least I can get out of it.

My penis is big and long, what else is... my condom... cucumber.

Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I’m sorry you look like my old beat up shoe.

My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.

Chuck Norris is the only man that ever had sex with my wife and survived. Oh, how did I survive?

Fortunately, being her husband, I was the one person she wasn't fucking.

If you say "slay" in my comments I will follow all of you lmao who are signed in.

My ex-friends are depressed. Their names are Kaitlyn and Ava.

I punched my mom for no freaking reason.

To start off this Christmas season, I'ma make a list of what I want, then I'ma make plans with my family, then to start off my decorations, I'ma start with the first ornament and hang myself.

One of my family members died on 9/11, he was one of the best pilots in the Middle East.

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.

Girls' dreams: OMG, my crush kissed me!

Boys' dreams: I just got a dub, bro!

Someone in my class yelled "Jenga!" while watching a documentary about the Twin Towers.

My Wi-Fi must be Kobe, because it crashed hard.