My jokes
A homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge.
A homeless man is walking along a road and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.
"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"
"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.
"Well, that's fine," he says, "but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?"
"Eww no, fuck off you creep!" the woman shouts back.
"Fine," the man says. "I'll just go wait at the bottom."
Two pedos are on the beach.
One pedo said, "Hey, get out of my son!"
Cow A: I slept with your sister!
Cow B: Never knew my brother was a girl!
All the other cows:
:O
I wish my grass was edgy...
then it would cut itself...
My cat got in a fight. It was a catastrophe.
Two of my grandpas died in WW2.
Their tower fell over.
My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.
I like my women like I like my chocolate.
Edible.
I call my dad a motherfucker because he fucked his mom.
I like my women like I like my coffee: nice, fresh, and dead.
I was going to an expensive dinner with my friend's girlfriend because she really wanted to go, but he just got out of surgery, and he said take care of her, so I said, "Will do, bro. I’ll bring her back fuller than a topped-up water bottle."
What's the difference between my ass and the toddlers in my uncle's basement?
My ass doesn't cry when he sticks it in late at night.
Just watched my friend take a steak out of her pocket. That steak was so outta pocket.
What is the difference between me and cancer?
My mom did beat cancer.
I walk in from work to find my wife dead on the sofa.
As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of sick fuck does that?
Why did my dad leave me?
Because I was gay.
My brother's addicted to buying ladders; he loves to get high.
What's yellow and can't swim? My mom on Halloween.
I have an announcement, Shadow the Hedgehog is a bitch ass motherfucker. He pissed on my fucking wife and he said he dick was this big and I said that's disgusting, so I'm making a callout post on my twitter dot com. Shadow, u got a small dick it looks like this walnut except way smaller.
I complimented my neighbor's skeleton decoration for Halloween, but they just told me that it's their anorexic daughter.