Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.
My Jokes
Can't have a smoke with my girl after sex, she's asthmatic.
Plus, she's too young to smoke.
Don't tell me I haven't got balls. I just happen to wear mine on my chest, and I can guarantee they're a lot bigger than yours!
God = what I hope to be.
Devil = what I can't accept.
I hope to be like Jesus, a dead martyr. I can't accept that my religion is evil.
Once when I was 6, I had a massive crush on a girl in my grade. She liked me too, and we kissed under a tree.
Next day, same spot, but now she's pregnant. That stupid dad stole my girl!
One more 360 noscope for my montage.
I beat up my twin friends with a plane.
I wish my hair was emo so it would cut itself.
Your hairline is so far back that my father couldn't even reach the store in time before it grew!
Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...
Sometimes when I think I'm ugly, I just think of my sister and it makes me feel better.
So I left my mom with my baby, and I was terrified when I came back; the wheelchair was in the water.
I hear you like funny people. In fact, my whole life's a joke!
My Friend Evan: What happens if the voice inside your head is your soulmate?
Me: Then my soulmate is a F_cking A__hole.
Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.
Eat my ass!
My Wi-Fi must be Kobe, because it crashed hard.
There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.
I still remember my grandpa's last words.
"Stop shaking the damn ladder!"
My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort."
