My jokes

My teacher gave me an A in Physics, then she tells me that it turns guys on.

"Where are my balls? Down in your mom."

I was going to give my wife chocolates, but my fat friends ate them.

Wife: "You don't even have friends!"

Me at an orphanage: I need to talk.

Orphan: My parents!

Me: You know that word?

To a Mexican person: When I first met you, I thought you were going to say, "My name is Enrique, I have a job for you."

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology. I call him a hypocrite and unplug his life support. 😄😆🔥👍

Me: You know what's the favorite slogan that Hindus like the most?

My friend: What?

Me: “kati supari kata paan katiyo ko bhejo pakistan.”

Today, my family visited Disneyland. When we got to the hall of fame, I was shocked to find a statue of the BielefeldMan.

The tour guide said, "That’s Lewandisney. He owns the biggest collection of Disney TAP-INS and is a Mickey Mouse clubhouse member." Well done Lewandisney!

Dad: Come on, David, go dress up like a girl.

David: Isn't that illegal?

Dad: Nah, it isn't illegal if you keep the buttons in.

David: I hate my life.

My dad is John Cena because I can't see him.

Beast joke ever: my life... Oh wait, I don't have one.

Am tired of my country!!!! How can two policemen use one gun?

While writing my suicide note, I got a paper cut... it’s a start.

It’s disappointing that Los Angeles doesn’t offer better transportation, especially since my neighbor offers free mustache rides every night.

My therapist said to try having a different outlook on life.

I agree. I should have a different outlook on life. Preferably from underground.

I named my dog "5 miles," so now I can tell people I walk "5 miles" everyday. 😏😎

My boyfriend thinks he’s hilarious.

Him: How do you break things?

Me: You break things up.

Him: Okay.

Me: Is everything okay?

Him: We’re a twig. We’re breaking up.

On the plus side, I finally hear voices talking to me... just wish they were outside my head.

My math teacher walked by and asked me, "What is that?"

I said, "Paper."

She said, "Really?"

I said, "Yeah, do you need glasses?"

I just got a text on my cell. Bone be right back ;)