My jokes
I like wine how I like my woman.
4 year old locked in a basement.
So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.
The other day I lost all my crayons.
I just wish I had a shoulder to cray on.
My dad is John Cena because I can't see him.
Sugar Honey Ice Tea.
I FORGOT MY JOKE!
A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."
Your mom said my cum tastes like Captain Crunch, bitch.
Been getting a lot of paper cuts on my fingers lately, I guess it's a sign I should go lower.
Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."
Dwarfism is a growing problem.
Kidding, that’s not funny. My friend died of dwarfism.
He jumped off a curb stone.
I was at school with friends. One of my friends had hair in her armpits. The rest of my friends and I tried not to laugh or say anything, until one of my friends laughed and told her she had hair in her armpits, so she ran to her locker to get hair remover and went to one of the restroom stalls.
What's the difference between cancer and me?
My dad didn't beat cancer... Whelp, I guess I stole that one.
I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.
People joke about 9/11, but it's not funny. My dad died in 9/11. Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.
In 2001, my parents took me to 9/11. I was soaring towards it with excitement!
What’s the difference between a baby and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator doesn’t squeal when I put my meat in it.
Little Jonny walks in on his parents having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says: "Well...we're making you a brother." So little Jonny runs off to let his parents finish, happy that he's going to have a brother soon.
The next day when little Jonny's father comes home, Jonny is crying out on the driveway. The father sits down next to Jonny and asks what's wrong. Jonny cries: "I won't have a baby brother!" His father is confused. "What do you mean?" he asks. "Because the mailman came by today and ate him!"
I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."
When I was a kid, my hamster died, so my mum bought a new identical one, hoping I wouldn't notice. It didn't matter anyway, since I beat that one to death, too.
My girlfriend told me that she wonders what our kids will look like.
No, they will be wondering what I look like.