My jokes

I broke my arm yesterday. My bro said it is Arm-ageddon, and I still don’t know why.

My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort."

I went down to my fridge to grab my dinner. I said to the children, "Who's next?"

Let's say I was immortal. No matter what I did, I would be alive. But, the catch is I’m the least flexible and least strong person in the world.

Now, I get my head chopped off. What would I do? I would roll over to my headless body and figure out what it's like to suck my own dick.

There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.

Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.

Kid: My parents want to meet you, you wanna come over?

Orphan: Na, I'm good. I'm going to watch Home Alone. It's the only movie that I can think of that's related to me.

Snake one: Are we venomous?

Snake two: Yep!... Why do you ask?

Snake one: Cuz I just bit my tongue!!! (Drama scene)

"I spy with my little eye..."

- Noting I am blind -

BFF: Dude, come over to my house right now!

Me: What? No way, it's 2:58 AM.

BFF: But I just found my brother's secret stash of Oreos!

Me: I'll be over in 5 minutes.

So, you're human, huh? Well, I'm a skeleton, so not much gets under my skin.

I'll never forget my aunt's last words before she died: "Can you stop shaking the ladder, please?"

My dumb ass thinking I made a friend, oh ya, I forgot, literally nobody likes me!

I take all my anger out on orphans. Why?

Because they have no parents to run to.

Ok, this is a texting joke. This isn't my joke; I found it on Google.

Mom: SON YOURE G-MOM JUST PASSED AWAY lol

Son: Mom, how is that funny?!?! I hope you're not laughing!

Mom: OH NO I THOUGHT LOL MEANT LAUGHING OUT LOUD

Roses are red and violets are blue, my best friend is Sue, and she's blue, too.

(meaning sad)

My dad told me a new version of a happy birthday song:

Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too!

No offense to anyone reading this on their birthday.

Mom: They say our kid neighbor has blue blood.

Son: Really?

Also 2 hours later:

Son: Mom, the kid doesn't have blue blood.

Mom: Son, I-

I painted my dad white so he wouldn’t leave.

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Big tits.