My jokes
Eat my ass!
Roses are red and violets are blue, my best friend is Sue, and she's blue, too.
(meaning sad)
So, you're human, huh? Well, I'm a skeleton, so not much gets under my skin.
What did the tree say when it gets horny? My wood has a splinter.
Ok, this is a texting joke. This isn't my joke; I found it on Google.
Mom: SON YOURE G-MOM JUST PASSED AWAY lol
Son: Mom, how is that funny?!?! I hope you're not laughing!
Mom: OH NO I THOUGHT LOL MEANT LAUGHING OUT LOUD
Let's say I was immortal. No matter what I did, I would be alive. But, the catch is I’m the least flexible and least strong person in the world.
Now, I get my head chopped off. What would I do? I would roll over to my headless body and figure out what it's like to suck my own dick.
Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.
Kid: My parents want to meet you, you wanna come over?
Orphan: Na, I'm good. I'm going to watch Home Alone. It's the only movie that I can think of that's related to me.
Snake one: Are we venomous?
Snake two: Yep!... Why do you ask?
Snake one: Cuz I just bit my tongue!!! (Drama scene)
BFF: Dude, come over to my house right now!
Me: What? No way, it's 2:58 AM.
BFF: But I just found my brother's secret stash of Oreos!
Me: I'll be over in 5 minutes.
My dad told me a new version of a happy birthday song:
Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too!
No offense to anyone reading this on their birthday.
I take all my anger out on orphans. Why?
Because they have no parents to run to.
I'll never forget my aunt's last words before she died: "Can you stop shaking the ladder, please?"
My dumb ass thinking I made a friend, oh ya, I forgot, literally nobody likes me!
"I spy with my little eye..."
- Noting I am blind -
I used to have a skeleton of jokes, now my supply is bone dry. Guess I wasn’t that femurous.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Big tits.
Skedaddle skedoodle, I'm gonna go beat my noodle.
Did you hear about the guy that was cutting off people's feet and taking them?
It took my sole.
Stormtrooper: What should I do about my overdue library book?
Palpatine: Renew it!