My jokes

Slob on my knob.

Me to my friend: I only date suicidal girls.

My friend: Why?

Me: Because that pussy is limited edition.

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

Roses are red.

Grass is green.

I think of you sucking my peen.

There are three people in a plane that is about to crash: Trump, Obama, and a nine-year-old girl, but only two parachutes. Obama says, "Oh my, I need one. I need to protect my family," so he jumps off! Trump says, "Oh, I am the smartest man in the world. I must take it," so he jumps off. The nine-year-old girl says, "Welp, I guess he took my school backpack" :) so she leaves the plane! What a good ending.

Back in Australia, my puns are high koala-tea!

Brother: I bought my brother a trampoline today, the ungrateful fuck just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

Chuck Norris: "I block bullets with my beard." Abraham Lincoln: "I catch bullets with my skull."

My friend’s neighbor’s house is a real pigsty. There are hogs everywhere wearing neck garments.

911 what's your emergency?

"Burning in toaster."

"Toast?"

"Yeah so your calling 911 because of burnt toast?"

"Set fire to my forest!"

*The doctor asking why I've broken 19 bones in the past week*

*My abusive mum- Go on, tell him!*

Well what am I gonna do now...

What's big, bounces, and makes little kids cry?

My donation to the orphanage :)

I would take out the trash, but my mom said you weren't ready!!! XD

My bum hurts.

I call my dad a motherfucker because he fucked my mom.

A young couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.

He was high on my list of priorities.

I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.