My jokes

Yo mama so ugly,

my screen cracked when she took her photo!

My penis is big and long, what else is... my condom... cucumber.

My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.

Chuck Norris is the only man that ever had sex with my wife and survived. Oh, how did I survive?

Fortunately, being her husband, I was the one person she wasn't fucking.

Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.

Me: My grandpa killed 100 nazis in WWII.

My Friend: Well my grandpa killed Hitler.

Me: *Realizes*

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I’m sorry you look like my old beat up shoe.

A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum and yells: "Who the fuck fucked my wife?"

Everybody is silent for a second, then the bartender said: "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets!"

I, for one, give President Joe Biden my full support, and anything else he can find in my previously rented gym locker. 🤣

I was fuming when I lost my job as a window cleaner, like who built the Twin Towers anyway?

Why do pirates say, "Argh my Hardees?"

Because that's how you tell when they have the hards.

I was digging in my backyard and found a chest of coins. I wanted to run inside and tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging in the backyard.

Someone stole my balls :(

I hope Stephen Hawking was an organ donor, 'cause I need some parts for my go-cart.

My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot Pakistan has ever seen, Allahu Akbar!

I took my son to a driver's school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident."

(I gotta go pay him out of jail!)

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Woman gets pulled over by a cop.

Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"

Lady: "No, officer."

Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"

Lady: "Just water, officer."

Cop: "Looks like wine to me."

Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"

My brother when he sees a girl.

My fitness guru said that if I got raped, it would help me in future marathons.