My jokes

My wife and children are leaving me over my obsession with horse racing.

And they're off!

I took a plane to go see my hairline.

I posted up on my story that I got a new cut. My friends and family called the cops...

I used to be emo.

What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.

Cremation is my only hope for a hot, smoking body.

There is a kid in my school who is exactly like Dahmer, but he doesn't eat ppl. Or does he...?

He's Dahmer's son @domink.

Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore – my face should be among them.

Is that my student?

Na! It is Jesus!

My dad is really angry at me for kicking the balls. He's the one that told me always aim for them. Is that why I don't have a brother?

I overdosed on Viagra yesterday.

It was the hardest day of my life.

My wife is pregnant, but when we get to the doctors, something happened...

What happened?

Answer: The husband is pregnant too, with someone else’s baby, not the wife’s baby, but the wife is pregnant with his baby.

There's a disabled kid in my class, right? Oops, should've brought my Hot Wheels tracks.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo.

I'm surprised that the tree is still standing when my emo friend is hanging from it.

Love that dress; it would look much better on my floor, though.

To whoever stole my antidepressants, why do you need them?

How many children does it take to change a lightbulb?

Not 15, as my basement's still dark.

My teacher got so mad at me for making 9/11 jokes, she hit me twice and I said, "Damn, got hit twice!"

I love when I could run through the grass and feel the wind on my face.

Then my mom told me to get off VR, and then I wheeled myself to her.

I'm 17, right? Anyways, the other day my parents told me a joke they made 17 years ago, but they still haven't told the joke yet.