My jokes
Me: Wanna hear a joke about my chin?
Friend: Nah, dude. It'll be too long.
My bad, I kick me bad in if balls, and he got so fucking mad.
Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.
1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.
2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.
5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!
7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!
9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!
10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!
What does PEMDAS stand for?
Penis enters my dad and sister.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Bully: I wouldn't bother wasting my time on a shit person like you.
Me: At least I have a brain unlike you.
Bully: Well at least I have a mom unlike you.
Me: Well your mom is so fat that she got stuck in her car and started bleeding Nutella?
Bully: How would you know that?
Me: Because she told me herself.
Bully: How exactly?
Me: She's on the phone right now.
Phone: *High pitched animal noises*
Me: Told you so!
One day I was at school, and this girl had the nerve. She told me to go to the back of the line. I was looking behind me, and she said, "What are you looking for?" I said, "To who [are] you talking to, boo boo?" Like, is you you my momma?
My jokes are so dark that I am surprised that the cops didn't shoot them yet.
What do my clothes and a depressed person not have in common?
My clothes don't hang themselves...
When I say, "Daddy," my stepbrother raises his head.
What did the math book say to the other math book? Wanna hear my problems?
I think my penis has facial recognition.
What makes you guys high?
I get high when I have a dead fish in my lunchbox.
In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.
I was in a public bathroom in a handicap stall, and when I got out, a handicapped man told me that I was an a**hole. I told him, "Bet you won't stand up and say that to my face," and then he broke down.
Literally every movie:
"I love you." "I love you, too."
My life:
My 'friends': "Hey, Hailey likes you!" Him: "Wtf, I have a girlfriend, sorry not sorry." His friends: Spreads the word throughout the whole goddamn country. 😶
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?!"
If an old person tells you what to do just say, "At least my parents are alive!"
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I finally had to take his bike away.
My friend said this to me: "Were you born on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen." :(