My jokes

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

I am in trouble. My mum asked me to get six cans of Sprite.

But I got seven Up.

So, as a school shooter, I try to remember my ABC's. A, B, C, D, E, F, GUN!

And I basically stop at G, since no students ever speak to me about the rest.

My dad went for the milk, but he left his wheelchair.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa, not screaming in terror like all the passengers on the plane he was flying.

Your forehead is so big you can headbutt my face and chest at the same time.

We shouldn't joke about major tragedies. My dad died in 9/11, he was Saudi Arabia's best pilot.

My sister 🤣😂

I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes.

He hugged me!

The last thing I said to my dog was,

"Play dead."

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

Where's my sister's friend? Oh, I forgot, we are in Alabama.

What do Jesus and I have in common?

No one knows my real bday either.

The mailman came to drop the mail off.

Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.

Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."

Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."

Teacher: Is anyone missing?

Orphan: My parents.

I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-kart.

My wife complained about me being childish. So I told her to get out of my fort.

My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Me: Wanna hear a joke?

Person: Sure.

Me: Never mind, I was gonna say my life, but my life isn't a joke! Jokes have meaning.

Person: Dear God...

My wife asked me to connect more on my feminine side. So I crashed our car and fucked my trainer.