My jokes

My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.

He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"

I told my therapist I feel suicidal. He charged me in advance.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron."

The other asks, "Are you sure?"

"Yes," the first says, "I'm positive!"

A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"

The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"

Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"

One day I was just sitting around when my butthole began to grow larger. It grew and grew and began to engulf the other parts of my body until it swallowed them all. Now I am just a big butthole typing this. Please help me!

Why is my pee pee 2 inches in length but 5 in girth?

My friend says, "You should try Oreos with water."

Me: No, because my dad actually came back with the milf.

My doctor said I need to lose calories, so I got a piece of paper, wrote "calories," and lit it on fire.

My friend just told me about reverse exorcisms.

In these, the demon tells the priest to get out of the child.

I keep trying to call my emo friend. They keep hanging up.

1 like = 1 small dick whiny conservative in my blender.

Male Patient: So, I just pull my pants down and bend over for this prostate exam?

Doctor: Yep.

Male Patient: Ok, I'm ready. Hey! That doesn't feel like a finger.

Doctor: Yep, and I'm not even a doctor.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. She came crawling back!

My four conditions:

1. I need coffee.

2. I need vacation.

3. I need food.

4. I need tape, axe, saw, bag, shovel, and an alibi.

Mum finds out child cheats in math test.

Mom says, "There is no cheating in this house."

Child: "Then why did you cheat with my math teacher last night?"

Back in my day, the chicken dance was where the hen got raped by an angry pack of roosters.

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome. I wanted my first time to be special.

When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.

“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.

Oh wait, I'm thinking of...

They laughed at my drawing, so I laughed at their chalk outline.