My Jokes

9/11 isn't something we should joke about. Some people can remember where they were when they found out. I'll never forget where I was when I found out.

It was 9:37, September 10th, 2001. I was in a cave in Iraq when my friend Mohammad told me.

My uncle is an alchemist.

He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.

My friends told me to stop making suicide jokes, so I hanged on.

My uncles like the moon.

He comes out at night.

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

godd

The image is split into two sections. The top part shows two cartoon penguins looking straight ahead with blank expressions. A translucent image of one penguin is layered on top of the other. The caption above reads: "Me zoned out staring at a fixed point:". The bottom part shows a boy holding up a wooden cross and raising one hand in a defensive gesture. His expression is one of surprise and mild fear. The caption above the boy reads: "The ghost in my room:". The captions around the boy read: "How the flip can u see me?!" and "U need God".

My family is like treasure; you need a map and a shovel to find them.

My Wife: How much do you love me??

Me: Count all the stars.

My Wife: Aww, infinity.

Me: No, a waste of time.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

My birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Want to know what I do in my freetime?

Punch an orphan, cuz what are they going to do, tell their mom?

This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.