My jokes
I asked my dad why a grown man would play Pokémon Go?
He said “Wynaut.”
My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
I told them, "Just you wait!"
I got my husband a fridge for his birthday. His face lit up when he opened it.
Me: Dad, my phone is broken.
Dad: How?
Me: I clicked the home button, but I'm still at school.
Dad: Stupid.
My sad ass life.
My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him.
Then I waited for the results.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and thought,
"Some asshole has my pen!"
My sister thinks she's sooooo smart. She said that the only food that makes you cry is onions, therefore I threw a coconut at her.
Where's my sister's friend? Oh, I forgot, we are in Alabama.
My wife asked me to connect more on my feminine side. So I crashed our car and fucked my trainer.
What do Jesus and I have in common?
No one knows my real bday either.
The mailman came to drop the mail off.
Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.
Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."
Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."
Been getting a lot of paper cuts on my fingers lately, I guess it's a sign I should go lower.
Quiet kid reaches down and class starts running.
Quiet kid: What's wrong? Pulling out my...
My wife complained about me being childish. So I told her to get out of my fort.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Person: Sure.
Me: Never mind, I was gonna say my life, but my life isn't a joke! Jokes have meaning.
Person: Dear God...
My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Chris Rock: Jada, I can't wait to see you in G.I. Jane 2!
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song starts playing:
Will: "I got in one lil' fight about my wife's lost hair, she said, 'Will, if you don't do something I'm gonna have an affair!'" 😂😂😂
Teacher: Is anyone missing?
Orphan: My parents.
Me and my friends are going to create a Steps tribute band. We are all in wheelchairs, so we are going to be called "Ramps."