My jokes

A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it’s too long."

Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you’ll never get it."

I was digging a hole in the garden when I found some gold coins.

I was about to run and tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden...

I was raised as an only child, which I think was hard for my brother.

I'm so poor I have to put my Big Mac burger on layaway.

Chris Rock: Jada, I can't wait to see you in G.I. Jane 2!

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song starts playing:

Will: "I got in one lil' fight about my wife's lost hair, she said, 'Will, if you don't do something I'm gonna have an affair!'" 😂😂😂

Quiet kid reaches down and class starts running.

Quiet kid: What's wrong? Pulling out my...

We shouldn't joke about major tragedies. My dad died in 9/11, he was Saudi Arabia's best pilot.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa, not screaming in terror like all the passengers on the plane he was flying.

What do Myspace and my dad have in common?

I haven't seen them in a while.

The last thing I said to my dog was,

"Play dead."

I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes.

He hugged me!

My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Where's my sister's friend? Oh, I forgot, we are in Alabama.

My wife asked me to connect more on my feminine side. So I crashed our car and fucked my trainer.

Been getting a lot of paper cuts on my fingers lately, I guess it's a sign I should go lower.

What do Jesus and I have in common?

No one knows my real bday either.

The mailman came to drop the mail off.

Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.

Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."

Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

I am in trouble. My mum asked me to get six cans of Sprite.

But I got seven Up.

So, as a school shooter, I try to remember my ABC's. A, B, C, D, E, F, GUN!

And I basically stop at G, since no students ever speak to me about the rest.