My jokes

I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”

I took my sister and cousin to a sleepover with lil Diddy, who my dad's friend has connections with.

I think the experience went fine, but they were traumatized. We got what we wanted.

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My wife hates that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and went right.

My first football game was a lot like my first time having sex.

I was bloody, sore, and but at least my dad came.

I had a boyfriend once. He broke up with me because he "wanted to be more alive." I guess it didn't work when he went to my basement.

What is the difference between a hundred dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage!

I wasn't going to have a brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind.

My wife (or husband) told me to get six cans of Sprite from the grocery store.

I had just realized when I got home that I had picked up 7-Up.

I would have a joke for my friend... but he can't afford the punchline.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'll be a jaeger, will you be my kaiju?

What do the Twin Towers and my Mom have in common? They both went down on my dad.

My mom said if I'm awake playing Roblox still, she said she was going to bang my head against the keyboard. hxhdhduhxbsfj.

I like my clocks like I like people.

Under 12.

The emo girl in my class did her photosynthesis project on a tree. Little did she know that would be her demise later on.

+1 like = 1 kid in my basement.

+1 follower = 1 kid in my Microwave.

+1 Comet.

Me and my friends jumped some orphans. Who will they tell? Their parents?