My jokes

My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.

A piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.

"Oh, Bunsen, my flame," the sodium swooned. "I melt whenever I see you!"

The Bunsen burner replied, "Calm down. It's just a phase you're going through."

What is the difference between a broom and a mop?

It’s hard to beat my girlfriend when she’s holding the mop.

My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.

One time a blind person grabbed my arm thinking it was something else.

"Oh wow, this is such an interesting book!"

My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.

You’re so fine that my zipper is falling for you.

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”

I took my sister and cousin to a sleepover with lil Diddy, who my dad's friend has connections with.

I think the experience went fine, but they were traumatized. We got what we wanted.

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My wife hates that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and went right.

My first football game was a lot like my first time having sex.

I was bloody, sore, and but at least my dad came.

I had a boyfriend once. He broke up with me because he "wanted to be more alive." I guess it didn't work when he went to my basement.

What is the difference between a hundred dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage!

I wasn't going to have a brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind.