My jokes

I thought I saw a cool sticker on my office window, then I realized it was getting bigger and bigger.

My girlfriend went to Tokyo, and she died in the tsunami.

Since I was sad, my friend told me, "Don't worry, there's plenty more in the ocean."

To stop my password from getting hacked, I changed it to something difficult to crack: "StrongBrazilianNut111".

I'm Asian and there is a saying that dogs are man's best friends. They are my best friends because they keep me from starving.

I took my sister and cousin to a sleepover with lil Diddy, who my dad's friend has connections with.

I think the experience went fine, but they were traumatized. We got what we wanted.

My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.

"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."

My first football game was a lot like my first time having sex.

I was bloody, sore, and but at least my dad came.

A piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.

"Oh, Bunsen, my flame," the sodium swooned. "I melt whenever I see you!"

The Bunsen burner replied, "Calm down. It's just a phase you're going through."

I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.

What is the difference between a broom and a mop?

It’s hard to beat my girlfriend when she’s holding the mop.

You’re so fine that my zipper is falling for you.

My girlfriend's sister told me to write her a poem. This is what I came up with:

roses are red, violets are blue, if you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.

He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"

My wife hates that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and went right.

My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”

My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.