My jokes

You: Find a time clock that can change time.

Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?

You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!

Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.

I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.

Teacher: "What's your name?"

Student: "Hang on a second."

10 seconds later:

Teacher: "Is something wrong?"

Student: "Hang on a second!"

20 seconds later:

Teacher: "Don't say a word!!!"

Student: "Hang on a second!!!"

Teacher: "Come here and tell me your name right now!!!"

Student: "Hang on a second!"

Teacher: "Don't call for help!!!"

Student: "Just listen to me!"

Teacher: "Go on, speak!"

Student: "Hang on a second!"

Teacher: "Don't push my patience; this is no joke!!! Tell me your name right now!"

Student: "Hang on a second!!!"

What's the difference between a Lambo and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Lambo in my garage.

My friend put an action toy and called it Kobe and put it on a drone. I realized that my friend didn't know how to fly a drone.

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

My mother caught me jerking off and she told me to leave it out. I didn't know what she was doing but she grabbed my cock and started sucking. Then I found out on porn she was doing deep throat.

A couple of weeks later my dad caught me jerking off, I thought he would deep throat, but he just walked up to me and slapped my boner. I cried for 5 hours. Luckily my mum gave me a sloppy joe afterwards.

What is the difference between 100 dead babies and a Mustang Challenger?

I don't have a Mustang Challenger in my garage.

My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2.

He never talks about it.

I never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick.

I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.

So I had him bring my wife.

My sister says, "Dad," and repeats it, and this is my dad: WOULD U STOP me? 😑

Y'all wanna hear a joke? My life.

I'm still playing hide & seek with my dad.

The last time I had flying lessons, I hit some building in Manhattan. Then my Uncle got shot in 2008. Darn...

My brother couldn’t wait for fall, so I tripped him.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Your mom.

Fuck you you rwind my life.