My jokes
What did the emo say before he crossed the road?
"Fuck my life."
Are you the voices I've been hearing?
Because I can't seem to get you out of my head. (Schizophrenic RIZZ)
What's the difference between a Lambo and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Lambo in my garage.
My friend put an action toy and called it Kobe and put it on a drone. I realized that my friend didn't know how to fly a drone.
Me: Want to hear a joke?
Friend: Sure.
Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.
Friend: What's funny about that?
Me: Because the next day they disowned me.
My mother caught me jerking off and she told me to leave it out. I didn't know what she was doing but she grabbed my cock and started sucking. Then I found out on porn she was doing deep throat.
A couple of weeks later my dad caught me jerking off, I thought he would deep throat, but he just walked up to me and slapped my boner. I cried for 5 hours. Luckily my mum gave me a sloppy joe afterwards.
What is the difference between 100 dead babies and a Mustang Challenger?
I don't have a Mustang Challenger in my garage.
I never forget my grandpa's last words.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick.
What’s the difference between cancer and my brother?
My brother didn’t beat cancer.
I saw a black man riding a brand new bike, so I went home to check my garage. It’s all good because I still saw mine still chained to the floor begging for food.
My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2.
He never talks about it.
I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"
My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.
So I had him bring my wife.
Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.
She won't talk to me anymore.
You: Hey, Alexa, what is your gender?
Alexa: I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are...
Me: *hears it* And their pronouns are he/he.
Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Guy 1: Hey, can you stop making 9/11 jokes? My dad died during it.
Guy 2: Sorry, I will stop. What was your dad?
Guy 1: The pilot. He saw a KFC and wanted it, so, well, you know.
I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl.
Momma always told me to eat my vegetables.
I don't know what an HD is, but my doctor says I have 80 of 'em'.