My jokes

I think my dad's gay because he goes out with his mates to get milk but never returns.

I will always remember my grandma's last words: "What are you doing with that pillow?"

My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.

So I had him bring my wife.

My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2.

He never talks about it.

I went to see my dentist, and she warned me it was going to hurt. Then, she told me she was having an affair with my husband. Good news though...the cleaning didn't hurt.

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.

She won't talk to me anymore.

Guy 1: Hey, can you stop making 9/11 jokes? My dad died during it.

Guy 2: Sorry, I will stop. What was your dad?

Guy 1: The pilot. He saw a KFC and wanted it, so, well, you know.

My uncle is an alchemist.

He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.

I don't know what an HD is, but my doctor says I have 80 of 'em'.

Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find God, he'll help you!"

Then the man said, "There’s only one way to get to God, and that is through Jesus. Have you, my friend, found him?"

My grandpa said my generation relies too much on technology.

Then I unplugged his life support. :)

My dad died in the 9/11 attack. He was a good pilot.

I'm just like my LEDs, I'm meant to be hung.

So the man asks me, "Jesus, how do you want your steak?"

So I said, "Well done, my good faithful servant, well done."

Mom! Mom! My classmates called me an orphan!

My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.

I'm related to diarrhea; it runs in my jeans.

"I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years."

"Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!"

"No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him."