The last thing I said to my dog was,
"Play dead."
My Jokes
My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.
Where's my sister's friend? Oh, I forgot, we are in Alabama.
What do Jesus and I have in common?
No one knows my real bday either.
The mailman came to drop the mail off.
Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.
Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."
Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."
Teacher: Is anyone missing?
Orphan: My parents.
I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-kart.
My wife complained about me being childish. So I told her to get out of my fort.
My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Person: Sure.
Me: Never mind, I was gonna say my life, but my life isn't a joke! Jokes have meaning.
Person: Dear God...
My wife asked me to connect more on my feminine side. So I crashed our car and fucked my trainer.
Been getting a lot of paper cuts on my fingers lately, I guess it's a sign I should go lower.
Chris Rock: Jada, I can't wait to see you in G.I. Jane 2!
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song starts playing:
Will: "I got in one lil' fight about my wife's lost hair, she said, 'Will, if you don't do something I'm gonna have an affair!'" 😂😂😂
Quiet kid reaches down and class starts running.
Quiet kid: What's wrong? Pulling out my...
My dad may be working, but the coping mechanisms sure aren't!
I'm afraid for my gay calendar. Its days are numbered!
Leave a like if you LOL at this joke!
Bill really said "your body, my choice," like, my man, it's your body, MY choice.
Someone locked me out of my house today... At least the children in my basement aren't my problem anymore.
Hey girl, are you my boss? 'Cause you just gave me a raise.
Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.
Why? You ask.
Because it only takes one charge to bring it back to life.
