My jokes

My mom said, "Take out the trash," but I couldn't find you.

I gave my blind friend a piece of sandpaper. He said it was the most gruesome book ever.

Merry Christmas, my fellow hoes!

My father died in 9/11. It's such a shame. He was a great pilot. 😔

So I got my sister shampoo for her birthday, and she stood there and threw her wig on the floor.

How am I an ableist? My ex-girlfriend was in a wheelchair, and we lived in the same old building with a broken elevator. I ended the relationship by moving to the 8th floor.

What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?

I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!

Michael Jackson goes to his favorite bakery and says to the workers, "This is my favorite baker, hehe."

I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised when I saw on the news that there was a school shooting in my shooting range. I don't know who snitched...

How do you break up blind people in a fight? Scream, "I put my money on the guy with the knife!"

I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I walk 5 miles each day.

But today I ran OVER 5 miles... oops!

My ex died today.

I also lost my job as a butcher.

I'm glad we're all going virtual so I can cuss in front of my class and blame it on my stupid siblings.

My aunt worked as a human cannonball.

I'm not sure if she was good at it until she got fired.

I find it best to screw people with memory loss. I mean, what's my grandma gonna do? Describe me to the cops?

My girlfriend accused me of cheating, and I said to her, "You're starting to sound like my wife."

What’s the difference between a motorcycle and a mutilated body?

I don’t have a motorcycle in my garage.

People might not laugh at my jokes, or have a reaction at all, but I'd explode with euphoria.

Periodically, people might laugh every now and then.

Why didn't the skeleton go to prom?

He was dead. You fool. You fell for my trick. I'm very heartless.

Oh wait.

You fool!

A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.