My jokes

Merry Christmas, my fellow hoes!

I gave my blind friend a piece of sandpaper. He said it was the most gruesome book ever.

My father died in 9/11. It's such a shame. He was a great pilot. 😔

Helicopter, helicopter, Kobe Bryant in my chopper, Sitting next to burning daughter, Lots of smoke and little laughter.

What are the similarities between the twin towers and my ex?

They both went down on my dad.

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

One time in my dream, I had a dream that all people in wheelchairs could walk. It was awesome; I could walk!

My fucking balls hurt so god damn bad, oh my god!

My mom said, "Take out the trash," but I couldn't find you.

What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?

I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.

Friend: Like what?

Me: My name, my address, my phone number...

Michael Jackson goes to his favorite bakery and says to the workers, "This is my favorite baker, hehe."

What did the mother say to Michael J. on the beach?

"Excuse me sir, but you're in my son!"

What’s the difference between a motorcycle and a mutilated body?

I don’t have a motorcycle in my garage.

People on the Titanic were cracking up at my jokes, so did the Titanic. No, really, the Titanic cracked in half!

So I got my sister shampoo for her birthday, and she stood there and threw her wig on the floor.

How am I an ableist? My ex-girlfriend was in a wheelchair, and we lived in the same old building with a broken elevator. I ended the relationship by moving to the 8th floor.

I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I walk 5 miles each day.

But today I ran OVER 5 miles... oops!

My ex died today.

I also lost my job as a butcher.